That's a very good discription of the challenge, ghosts and being haunted in a way so many people do not understand, even many professionals. I hate the words "just" and "don't allow" when people get angry with me and insist I am "allowing" these intrusive episodes to happen. I can get angry and completely frustrated with people that react with these statements and I don't mean to, but I really wish they would STOP saying those words and understand that I already tell myself that constantly.

I am constantly being reminded of and challenged and kept in the trauma though. I stood there and witnessed everything I loved and worked so damn hard for destroyed. I face so many different injuries I was completely overwhelmed in every way. My entire life was addressing all kinds of injuries and not having the money to get the veterinary help I really needed. Every day I had to clean the diareah off the hind end of a pony that was in PAIN because his pelvis was fractured and his hip joint damaged and he had torn ligaments all down his hind leg. Every day I was hand walking and had to find a way to do it where my horses and ponies could not see my neighbor's dog who caused all this damage. I would be in that riding ring hand walking my daughters big show horse PRAYING he would not catch a glimpse of that dog because he would rear up and try to take off and he was damaged, torn suspensory and I had to be so careful and when he did he pulled me and hurt me and I ended up with planter's facietus in both my feet. So many lame and hurting, so many coughing because they choked from the stress of running and my little friend choked so bad her throat had abrasions and they got infected and that went through her entire body and I lost her inspite of all the effort I put into saving her with IV's three times a day, feeding her via a syringe, and walking her down my driveway where it was shaded only to have my negligent neighbor drive by me fast almost hitting me, yes they were so mean. Oh but finally when I stepped out and yelled at them they called the police an "I" got yelled at.

I have been treated so awful JUST BECAUSE I CARED too. I can't even believe how badly. Oh I should not be so upset, they are JUST animals. I am somehow grandios because of how I valued them, even though one was appraised for a lot of money, it must be MY IMAGINATION.

I had special ponies that were so wonderful with children and I so loved them for that too. I taught very young children and it was a big deal for me to set that up so it was "safe" for them too. I could not have a 4,5,6 year olds riding a pony that could be spooked badly and take off because of a neighbor who did not care enough to make sure their dog was contained and not run around on my property. Oh, but "I" am being unreasonable? For anyone GO OUT AND FIND THAT KIND OF SAFE PONY, see how you make out because it's VERY HARD to find that kind of pony. And there I was now having to figure out how to overcome the fact that now I have these very special ponies that are now TERRIFIED of dogs. Yet, my three best ones were destroyed, it's hard enough to have one, try coming up with three.

I was trying so hard to overcome all that and train new ponies with the help of students I had taught that were still small and could ride well. I was not making money, they were helping me and the mother was riding my Arab because my feet were too bad and he had been hurt too and I wanted him to have someone very light on him. My daughter was trying to work with a Mustang I had gotten, that I resuced but I did not get for free, he too was now TERRIFIED of dogs because he got hurt too.

So now I end up with yet another neighbor who's electric containment system is failing to contain their dog. Ironically this person is also a police officer. I called the dog warden and she insisted she talked to him, but, there I was out there with these individual riding in my ring and that dog was coming down my driveway yet again. Even though this individual was told to contain his dog. I got livid, and yes I was badly triggered, I did not realize then how that trigger was a PTSD trigger. I know all too well that it only takes a minute of carelessness for a major trajedy to happen and I could not have that risk. I got in my car and drove over there and this man was out mowing his lawn, right there while his dog was running up and down the road and down my driveway. I marched over there and had to yell over his lawnmower noise, and I admit I was shaking with anger because of what was really at risk that he apparently did not care about, after all he is a police officer and he is apparently above the law? I had lost my patience and I yelled at him as his dog was running on the road, I told him that he better contain his dog or I would shoot it. He got mad at me and accused me of acosting him and harassing him and I should not have threatened to shoot the dog in front of his children. It was ALL MY FAULT, I AM THE BAD GUY. But I was just so worried that someone in my ring would end up seriously hurt and my reporting his dog running loose was not leading to him being responsible and containing his dog. Ironically, that is what happened with my neighbor too, he did not RESPECT enough to fix his broken electric containment system either and that ended in EVERYTHING I had being so badly damaged and now terrified of dogs.

So the police come out and reemed me out yet again even though I had reported the problem the right way and it did not lead to this individual containing his dogs. I was lucky that my students took pictures with their cell phones so I could go down to the police station and sit across from the Police Chief with evidence.

The opposing side is going to depose this person. Another individual that is angry with me because they did not want to CARE about containing their dog. Oddly, my neighbor who is the father of the young woman who failed to fix her electric containment system and instead let her dog out when I was not home or late at night where it ended up causing so much damage told me I should have shot that dog. He also admitted it was doing the same thing to his chickens and ducks, running laps around their pen to get them all upset, YET HE NEVER DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

I do not know how to shoot a gun and I would not shoot an animal either. Yet, I did look up the law that says that I have a right to shoot a dog that is putting my livestock at risk. I was just so angry when I went over and saw that other neighbor out there doing NOTHING about his dog running loose which was a major threat to the young girls riding in my ring. This was over two years after I had suffered so much loss and I was trying so hard to rebuild something. I was not doing well either because I was still trying to work around the PTSD and at that time could not afford to get help with that.
I was hiding how hard it was on me because that is what everyone around me wanted me to do. I was hiding the fact that when I worked with a pony I would experience flashbacks, who would believe that? Who would believe me that when I was in that ring trying to train another pony all I kept seeing was the pony I loved dying? Who is going to understand how being in that riding ring fills me with emotional flashbacks, or that I begin felling like I am running a marathon inside because of all those days I had to walk that horse in fear of how he would go into a big panic just getting a glimpse of my neighbor's dog? Just hearing noises coming from my neighbors sends them into a panic, how do I fix that? I tried, I tried to find ways to block their view.

I HATE THE RING, I HATE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME WHEN I AM IN IT, THE GHOSTS THAT COME TO HAUNT ME WHEN I SO WANT THEM TO GO AWAY. That year when I had to again deal with yet another dog and a neighbor who would not CARE TO CARE, I also had to deal with my neighbor deciding to raise guinea hens and they are big and they are very loud and I went out and there were about 20 of them running around by my ring and my ponies who were upset and frightened, how can I have children come and ride here with a risk like that? And again I called the police and this neighbor admitted these guineahens were his and that I was the one being unreasonable. And again I could not get the police to press charges.

I gave up trying to teach and rebuild, IT'S WAY TOO PAINFUL. My daughter wanted me to go away and take a vacation of some kind that year. I really did need it, but I could not get my family to understand HOW TERRIFIED I WAS TO LEAVE.

Having to keep remember all these details for 8 years and counting all the while knowing how the opposing side is drawing it out so I will get desperate or weary and give up. My negligent neighbors are being protected as this lawyer is representing their insurance company so it's not costing them anything.

This insurance company lawyer, not knowing anything about horses has made it a point to talk to other people who are involved with horses. She has also been trying to dig up some dirt on me so she can believe I am a bad person.

Well, a while back I was with a trainer who was teaching my daughter and I had her very nice horse at his barn. This trainer turned out to be the creepiest person I ever met and him and his wife were locking up three of their very small children in a room for hours while they taught lessons. I sat one day in my car listening to my daughter and two other little girls as they told me what they had been witnessing take place with these children. These girls were too afraid to tell their own parents and my daughter assured them that it was safe to tell me and I would do something about it.

During that same time period I was having problems of my own and had found out in a bad way that my husband had cheated on me while he was an active alcoholic. Not only that but the women he had cheated on me with were women that really slept around and did lots of drugs. When my husband finally told me I was so shocked I asked him not to come home and we were separated for a few months. I was so shocked and hurt and I remember driving around trying to process it and also so worried of what I may have gotten because I was exposed to whatever these women had.

Well, this trainer found out I was struggling and I did not want that, I just happened to break in front of him. I did not mean to do that, I was trying very hard to keep my daughter busy and have things be normal as much as I could around her.

Well, when I later found out about these children and began to see how creepy he really was, and the fear taking place in these other children, even my own child I had to do something. I tried talking to one of the other mothers who was not only a minister but also a psychologist and to my surprise she had no interest in getting involved in any way. No wonder her daughter feared telling her.

I managed to get back with my husband and made it a point to leave that trainer and make a call. But that trainer made it a point to spread horrible gossip around about me. He made it a point to tell everyone he could that I left his barn because I wanted to sleep with him and he wouldn't. Then he made it a point to stand at the ingate and do his best to intimidate my daughter every time she went in to compete. That is child abuse right out in the open for everyone to see. This trainer makes it a point to spread gossip and lies about me. And some trainers actually believe him and this opposing attorney made it a point to question my husband about us being separated. This is not anything my neighbors knew about, were not even around for, no one around me knew about this either. It has NOTHING to do with my neighbor's dog creating so much damage either.

I have been painted as a bad person when I AM NOT A BAD PERSON, I am only guilty of CARING ABOUT CHILDREN and LOVING MY PONIES AND HORSES AND MY OWN CHILD. I never cheated on anyone, I DO NOT LIE and I have genuinely devoted myself to caring about children in my life and BEING HONEST. I loved my students, I loved it when they came alive and were so proud of themselves when they accomplished a new riding skill, I did everything possible to make that be safe, to have my farm be safe for them and my ponies.

I am TIRED of being hurt because of people who are not honest, respectful of others. I am tired of suffering from their ghosts that have hurt me to the depths of me. I am tired of having these painful flashbacks of not being able to stand up and say something of not being able to say that I suffer from PTSD as the opposing side will use that against me. I am tired of paying the price because my ex-lawyer failed me because he was failing mentally. I am tired of how lawyers trigger me now too, that I never got a chance to finish being deposed, that I somehow have to stay quiet and let these creepy wheels of LIES go on and on around me for all these years too. I am tired of paying on this debt of feeling stress every time I leave my farm to go and do a job. I am tired of this wanting to care about these ponies that I love, yet at the same time the PTSD part of me trying to be detached because IT JUST HURTS SO VERY MUCH TO CARE NOW.

I am tired of how others tell me that I am allowing this to bother me WHEN I AM WORKING AT IT CONSTANTLY and IT'S IS SO DAMN LONELY.

I do the same thing as you do unguy, I try to be patient until these crippling episodes pass and IT IS LONELY AS HELL. I am very sorry for anyone who struggles like this because it is often painful and very lonely and exhausting too.

I have been struggling so badly for several days now. I have been doing everything I can think of to distract myself and not think about these memories that come alive in a way in my body and mind that so many people simply do not realize is crippling and exhausting. I try to hide it as much as I can because it bothers my husband and he often gets angry and frustrated. It seems like I am always hiding it, trying to hold it in and other than my T, I have no one to talk to IRL that understands how very much I struggle.