My T kind of did this today. I've been going through a rough time lately, and last week, p-doc made the recommendation that I go into a day program for a month instead of seeing her, T, and marriage counselor (MC). I freaked out a bit (hello, abandonment/rejection issues), talked with T about it, we figured out a self-care plan so I could avoid it, etc. But I was still feeling the rejection stuff. Yesterday, MC was explaining that them suggesting a higher level of care wasn't because they were angry or frustrated with me--it was because they cared about me. I've certainly done some things lately (late night texts and calls) that could have annoyed or frustrated them, so it was comforting to hear it was about them caring. I was thinking about it last night, and how it kind of felt like unconditional love, like I could do whatever, and they'd still be there for me.

Today, forgetting for a moment that T is a bit less...warm and fuzzy (in talking about emotions) than MC, I mentioned how I'd had this thought that it was like she and MC had unconditional love for me. And I didn't feel like I had that from my parents, so it was a good, healing feeling. Seeing the look on her face (not the smile I'd expected), I was like, "But maybe I shouldn't have used the word 'love'--and I know the T-client relationship is different than parents, like I pay you and stuff." And she was like, "Yes, the T--client relationship is different."

And I'm sure she just didn't want me to be misled or deepen any transference I had, but it kind of hurt. Like, I was thinking of it in a, "Wow, you really love/care about me, without conditions, and I trust that. Thank you. It feels good. Maybe feeling that can help heal some things with me from the past." But instead, she was more like, "Yeah...this isn't the same as that. I'm your T--it's different." It was like a bubble had burst, and I tried quickly to change to a different topic. She has also said in the past that T's aren't supposed to tell their clients that they love them, so maybe she was afraid that by agreeing with me she was admitting that? Even though I get a feeling of love from her, at least in the past 6 months or so. It was a warm and fuzzy feeling. But now I keep thinking about her reaction to what I said. It's probably a comment that would have gone over better with MC...