This it not just an ordinary relationship issue and I choose to post it here as a I hope I´ll find some answers to why and perhaps also find other people who feel the same.

My thoughts about this came up when I realised I don´t feel loved by my parents. I know they love me but I can´t feel it, they are rather emotionally distant. I can´t really remember that much closeness or hugs when I was a child even if there never were any abuse or anything.

I remember how I already in grammar school sought out some of the female teachers, that I liked talking to them and I wanted them to like me. I tried to impress them, especially by getting good grades in almost every subject.

When entering into high school I remembered I wanted to be close to some of the female teachers. I now don´t mean I tried to get them to hug me or such but again, I got good grades, I helped them erase the chalk board, I stayed after class just to be able to talk to them.

When in my 20s I became "friends" with a couple of elder women at a workplace, nothing sexual or anything but now I realise it was because of the same reason, trying to find a mother figure.

The therapist I saw was a women in her 60s, I didn´t choose her actively, she was choosen by my insurance company, but in therapy she became a mother figure for me almost instantly. I got terminated but still after many months I try to imagine how it would be to get a hug from her, I wish she could be here and comfort me when I´m sad.

With my own mum I don´t really want hugs, it doesn´t feel natural and I also feel more "real love" when I got some attention from a teacher. I know of course it wasn´t love but I felt liked in a complete different way.

I realise I´ve had a long history of looking for mother figures in elder women and I also feel very lonely because of this. It´s not about "go talk to your mother about it" as it´s not a temporary feeling, I´ve had it for very long.

Why do I feel this way? Why do I search for mother figures? What to ask for in therapy to be able to work on this issue?