I think the combination is essential, self-parenting and accepting maternal influences in our lives. In my life, it's just been important to grieve what I didn't have though, because while the wonderful patchwork of influences I have woven together is "enough," it is not the same as having a reliable, kind mother.

My therapist is very wise about this, having done some of it herself. She also spent 15 years in therapy and refers to her own longterm female therapist as a mother figure. I don't think it has to be either-or at all!