I’ve been so unstable these past few months and I can’t hold myself together anymore. Everything I’ve been straining to hold in for the past month has spilled out. I can’t contain my thoughts about killing myself; they have spilled over into my dreams, when I’m asleep I die, over and over again, I take my own life in a myriad of ways. I am never sorry.


But then I awake and the ******* ******* is still there, the ***** are still there. I’ve taken to carrying them around with me, getting more comfortable with their presence, with the idea of not hurting any longer.


I failed to maintain the only relationship where another person cared about me even the tiniest fraction. And that person got paid for it, and even so, even getting $90 an hour; it wasn’t enough to continue to put up with me, to feign caring. She promised she would never leave me, promised it would all be okay, but it isn’t and I am alone and absolutely destroyed.


I no longer have hope that I can get better. I just want to let go of this life.