Wow, I could have written this--except about my father. I've always been shy and afraid of rejection, so I more admired teachers or authority who could be a "fatherly" figure from afar and desperately wished my father could be as caring and kind as them.

And I completely relate about what you said about receiving hugs...I am repulsed by the thought of hugging my father. I thought I was weird for that. I can count on one hand the number of times we have hugged, so I don't even want it anymore and I don't think I ever did. But the one time my therapist hugged me several months ago when we thought it was possible I wouldn't see him anymore, I went home and sobbed that night. It was the warmest hug I have ever received from a male figure in my life...And it came from a therapist at the age of 21. Sad, really.

I think it just comes from that gap in emotional presence from a parent or parents. That gap was really apparent when I was younger, but as I got more independent I ignored for awhile until the past year or so. It's started to become an issue again (i.e. I tear up when I see a little girl being shown affection from her dad or the sheer amount of innocence and trust children have in their parents to not break their heart). I have absolutely no idea how to deal with it. What can you even do? It's not like we can go back in time and have our parents who were distant show that outward affection and love. At this point in my life, I'm not sure how to move on. I haven't talked to my therapist about it much either. I at least have a mother who very obviously loves me and was always affectionate...I would have ended up an absolute wreck without her.