Yeah, yeah, I'm making a lot of threads. But I guess I'm trying to figure out what's going on with me in a variety of issues.
This is a post I made on another forum, on a thread asking if you have an easy time making friends (I don't). I figured I'd repost it since I'm a bit too lazy to explain it in too much detail.
Quote:
I seem rather torn between wanting and not wanting friends. On one hand, there's a part of me that gets lonely, that wishes I could interact well with real people instead of just online. I fantasize now and then about being social, having an actual personality and being engaging and enjoying the company of others from time to time.
On the other hand, I'm so used to having loads of time to myself that a social life sounds...draining. As does maintaining friendships (something I've never been able to do). I'm not really used to making time for others like that, selfish as it sounds. It almost doesn't seem worth it.
I say I want friends, yet my go-to method of being around people is to only interact as needed. At work and school I've always followed the method of "Go in, work as necessary, talk to no one unless it has a reason, leave." Anything else feels like a resource-sapping intrusion. I honestly don't know whether I "truly" want to figure out the social life thing or just be solitary forever. Especially because I often am quite content to be around people without interacting - I find it's actually kind of necessary for my psychological well-being.
No, I don't know what the problem is. Yes, I realize I seem to want two totally different things.
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Basically some part of me wants to be social, but my most natural inclination is to push people away. I've been doing it all my life - even as a little kid I followed that "method" for school. I rejected invitations and worked alone voluntarily. People mostly took to ignoring me after that.
I have no idea how to connect to people. I strongly resist any opportunity to talk about myself even if I long for it in my imagination - I've done enough introspecting to suspect it's at least partially shame and fear-based, afraid I'll look or sound ridiculous, or that I'll be criticized or rejected. I mentioned in another thread I've wondered in the past if I have some kind of personality disorder or something.
I don't look down on people. I'm not asocial because everyone's so stupid and shallow and no one wants to engage me on a deep level (I kind of fear someone trying to get deep or intellectual with me - I just know I'd fail miserably). It's more like...well, resource-draining. It's tiring. It feels like people are trying to get inside a place that's simply unsuited and thus needs to be guarded. I don't know why. I've always just been this protective of my inner self, even if sometimes I dream of expressing it somewhere that's
not online.
I guess I'm asking...what is this?