Hello everyone,

I posted this over on CrazyBoards. It is literally a copy& paste post from there, so if you've read it there, feel free to skip this post.

I'm in a bit of an odd place right now. I'm having a bit of an identity crisis and my tdoc, who always tells me to call if I need to go in before our next scheduled appointment isn't available for a damn week, when I really need support now. (I know. It sounds selfish, but the truth is, situations like this that are this intense are not normal for me.) I see my pdoc tomorrow, but am not quite sure if or how to bring this whole situation up with her. CB (and PsychCentral forums - where I will post after this, so, if any of you are on PC, I apologize in advance for the repetition.) are the only places I know to turn to in this situation or support, so please, hear me out.

So, basically, my identity crisis is causing me to hate what I have become. Not in a, "I'm a terrible person" sort of way, but in the sense that I am losing grip of my own personality.

I've been bipolar since I was 13, but have only been officially medicated for about a year and a half. In short, I am not used to this so-called "stability" and I really don't like it and, ironically enough, the "stability" is driving me insane. I don't feel like myself at all. I'm so used to the roller coaster that I believe I have come to associate it with who I am; with regularity, oddly enough. I am the polar opposite (I guess you could say) of those people who say, "I'm not bipolar/my disease; I have bipolar/a disease." I fully accept my illness as a very dominant aspet of my personality. I am my illness and my illness is me. I know this sounds odd/counterproductive, but it's the truth. I've lived with it for so long I cannot separate it from other aspects of m personality.

This anger at having lost a part of myself is nothing new. I've been plagued by such thoughts and feelings since the meds started kicking in. But everything has cm to a head the last few days, ever since I came out of my last episode about two weeks ago. Especially last night. I was up all night ruminating over all of this. I thought tdoc might be the best person to talk to about it, but as I have already stated, that is not an option.

I recently came out of a drugged out mania (not illicit drugs, but you know how meds sort of numb-down the mood swings?) which, much to the dismay of my pdoc, I opted to ride with pride, I guess you could say. There were nights I wasn't sleeping. I was more creative and intellectual-minded. And, for once, since I started on medication, I felt normal! Pdoc made me keep a sleep diary when I admitted to her that I wasn't sleeping vey well, if at all. Made me promise to take my Trazodone and all that, which I did, a few times... but this is where things become problematic. I haven't been taking it every night because I just don't want to and I feel I am headed down a road towards non-compliance. I have still been taking my Citalopram & Abilify, but grudgingly. Yes, in general I am in better moods on a daily basis and I know that is due to the meds, but I just don't feel like myself. I feel like a shell of what I used to be. (I even miss the depression and mixed states, if that even makes any sense to you.) I feel like a prisoner in my own body, unable to fully express who and what I am (whatever the hell that even is anymore).

Now, I'm not stupid. I vividly remember the really bad times, but still, I want to go off my meds and just be able to fully experience life again. (I know! *slaps own wrists*) On the one hand I think, just take the Trazodone and sleep it off. But I don't know if that's going to work. This has all been building up over the last year and a half/2 years (whatever; however long it's been). I doubt it will just go away with one good night's sleep.

I guess my question is: what do I do? Meaning... do I even bring it up with my pdoc tomorrow? She once told me she's not comfortable taking people off meds until they've been symptom-free for a year, and, as I said, I was very recently symptomatic. But... somehow, I find myself not really caring about all that and thinking about just going rogue. (And I really like my pdoc. She cares enough to have ordered a brain scan to make sure I didn't have a tumor causing my problems.) I really don't want to let my pdoc down by going off my meds, but I can't help these thoughts/feelings of wanting my old life back (yes, even at the risk of ruining my life) just to feel like myself again.

So, sorry for all the rambling. Like I said at the outset, I have nowhere else to turn and I'm afraid to/don't know how to bring it up with my pdoc. Does anybody have any thoughts; words of encouragement; similar experiences that might help me through this? (Sorry to sound so desperate, but I really am.) I just don't know who I am anymore. Thank you in advance or any responses.