Quote:
Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst
Yeah, yeah, I'm making a lot of threads. But I guess I'm trying to figure out what's going on with me in a variety of issues.
This is a post I made on another forum, on a thread asking if you have an easy time making friends (I don't). I figured I'd repost it since I'm a bit too lazy to explain it in too much detail.
Basically some part of me wants to be social, but my most natural inclination is to push people away. I've been doing it all my life - even as a little kid I followed that "method" for school. I rejected invitations and worked alone voluntarily. People mostly took to ignoring me after that.
I have no idea how to connect to people. I strongly resist any opportunity to talk about myself even if I long for it in my imagination - I've done enough introspecting to suspect it's at least partially shame and fear-based, afraid I'll look or sound ridiculous, or that I'll be criticized or rejected. I mentioned in another thread I've wondered in the past if I have some kind of personality disorder or something.
I don't look down on people. I'm not asocial because everyone's so stupid and shallow and no one wants to engage me on a deep level (I kind of fear someone trying to get deep or intellectual with me - I just know I'd fail miserably). It's more like...well, resource-draining. It's tiring. It feels like people are trying to get inside a place that's simply unsuited and thus needs to be guarded. I don't know why. I've always just been this protective of my inner self, even if sometimes I dream of expressing it somewhere that's not online.
I guess I'm asking...what is this?
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Fear of Intimacy -- For a person who struggles with this it is spelled -- Into Me See. A person who struggles with this, they do not want to allow anyone to get close enough to see them the way they see themselves.
This is usually rooted in childhood attachment deficiencies with parents or trusted member of the family. The self-esteem has been damaged as well. Oftentimes, if a child hasn't received the level of care and/or attention required from a parent, the child feels insecure and inadequate and as time goes by has a very negative self view of themselves. That coupled with other life experiences that may have compounded that feeling.
Nine times out of 10, the person's negative view of themselves is not related to anything they've done. In other words, they aren't as bad or undeserving as they make themselves out to be.
It is something that should be explored with a therapist and can be overcome with time once the sources and causes are clearly identified and dealt with.
There are other factors that can contribute to this as well and everyone is different and their experiences. It's worth the effort though.