I think you are looking for a mother figure because you didn't have the relationship that you needed when you were growing up. A void is there, and you have been trying to fill it. But you have not found someone who can fill the void.
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With my own mum I donīt really want hugs, it doesnīt feel natural
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Oh, I know such a feeling so well. I could never stand hugs from my mother. I just wanted to get away as soon as I could.
I think you said that you were with an older female T but therapy got terminated. How much did you work on mother issues with her? What brought about the termination?