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Originally Posted by Bill3
Thank you for explaining in such detail.
Here is a guess. I am thinking that your mother's control is a main root of the social problems. What you learned growing up is that there was no point in being active or taking initiative because your mother was going to intervene and control. Maybe she was like my mother and screamed at you if you dared to disagree. But even if she was not a screamer, she took so much control that you basically figured, perhaps subconsciously, why bother expressing my own ideas? And you became passive.
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It's certainly possible. I'm a bit into personality theory and one thing I've stumble don is that an "active" parent can influence a "passive" child in such a way. I didn't really become aware of feeling controlled until I got to be an adolescent. It's also one reason I moved out recently, being fed up with feeling controlled.
My mom wasn't much of a screamer, still isn't. But she does have a stronger personality than I do. College interviews used to be a disaster because if she came in with me, she'd monopolize the conversation. Same thing happened with some T's who tried to counsel us together.
One last thing I wonder if it's affected me: mental health issues run in my family. My mother has at last been diagnosed with a "cyclic mood disorder", and I know she was dealing with that as I was growing up. Now, that I'm 21 my mom is admitting there's something wrong with me. Yet I have earlier memories of trying to explain what was wrong to her and basically being blown off - it's just hormones, it's just a phase, everyone goes through that sometimes so don't worry about it; you don't know what real depression is, there's nothing wrong with you, etc. So I largely stopped trusting her with anything pertaining to feelings or mental health. I was always well taken-care of physically: always well fed, clean, and well-dressed. I had extracurriculars and reliable transport. But psychological stuff? Nah.
Now that we're more open in that regard, she denies having ever blown me off, or says that of course she wasn't going to take it seriously if I brought it up in a "ridiculous context", like saying I wanted to kill myself for coming in second in the school spelling bee (I didn't). Then goes on to say that she's thought I was "****ing weird" since I was about 10, not in relation to social things, but to other issues of mine. Apparently, all this time she was waiting for me to come to her for help, not wanting to be one of those parents who forces their kid into therapy at every emotional flux.
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Also, changing schools so much was socially harmful to you, in my opinion. You perhaps saw no reason to connect with people because you would likely be leaving. And people do in fact learn social skills by being with the same or similar group over time. There is more to socializing than meeting someone new.
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To be fair, I only went to 10 different schools, including a year of homeschooling, between kindergarten and 12th grade.
I totally agree. I suspect part of it's my real personality - maybe I'm that kind of person who takes a long time to open up. But who would know, avoiding the chance is so ingrained now...
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I think you have the right idea of issues to focus on, but I would add that a T should hear about your childhood relationship with your mother as well. I think you would do well with a T who has a psychodynamic orientation. The T should not take a lot of initiative in speaking but should help, encourage, and wait on you to speak.
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I just know what issues are bothering me.
I've talked to a few people about issues at home, mostly anonymous folk on the internet. I also once checked myself into a psych ward over some frightening thoughts of self-harm where I met a caseworker who helped guide me through moving out and knows a bit about my background.
Multiple people now have called our relationship emotionally or mentally abusive.
I informed my mother of this when she called me, telling me that she'll have me imprisoned for libel if I tell anyone I'm abused, because it's a lie. When I bring up mental/emotional abuse, she throws the accusation back at me -that I've abused her by being nasty, throwing insults, constantly demanding to be left alone and freaking out if she comes near me. All behaviors I will openly admit I displayed through an utterly hellish year and a half living at home post-college-dropout. We were toxic to each other. I reject any abuse label and prefer to use that: toxic.
The point of this isn't to whine for sympathy but to point out how much of a freakout I'm going to get if I imply that my mom is the root of my issues. I can see it now - "What are you blaming me for? I never hurt you. I didn't beat you or hang you upside down in closets overnight. I was always there for you, unlike my own mother who didn't care if I lived or died. I didn't abandon you after your father died, I haven't even had a date in 14 years! I'm the only person who even cares about you, and if that idiot [therapist] tries to turn you against me, I'll see them in court!"
I've already had multiple conversations regarding my psych treatment where my mom has implied to me that disagreeing with her is a failure to "present a united front" and is some breach of family loyalty or some crap. This disturbs me, but it only really comes up in this context.
Also, my mom and I spent way too much time together. Neither of us had any local friends. Mine are/were mostly online and my mom and a few friends who lived in other parts of the country. After school, if I didn't have some kind of appointment or activity, we were cooped up in the same house, trying more or less to avoid each other.
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This is because the relationship with T in session mirrors relationships in real life. You are passive in real life and so you are passive in session. In real life you don't speak about what is actually on your mind, and you don't do that with T either. A good T, though, should realize this and, over time, allow the relationship and trust with her/him to deepen to the point that you can say what is truly on your mind. It will be a great day when that self-disclosure begins to happen.
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I've left plenty of appointments disappointed in myself that I didn't speak up, or that I couldn't bring up my issues.
It does mirror, in a way. I hate self-disclosing in public (except with the anonymity of the internet) and I won't do it with a therapist either. At times there has been that same feeling of powerlessness, that I can't get a word in. Who knows, maybe it is a lack of trust from early perceived dismissal of my issues. Psychobabbly, but possible, I guess.