it is difficult and scary. i have been seeing my psychiatrist for 10 years now...during the first few years, my dissociation was very bad to the point i was not able to really even speak.

my others were very vocal (in my head) at that point, and i had more knowledge and communication then. but the last few years, i don't have that but still can have their feelings or thoughts come through or blend with them which tends to be more what happens instead of hearing their voice...but it is less often.

there has been a real shift for me with all of that...as my dissociation has lessened over the last few years..but when it happens now, well, it's still just as confusing and scary at times...also because i cannot tell who/what it is that is coming through and am just stuck in a strange type of existence.

to me, it's worse than just derealization or depersonalization (i used to experience those a lot years ago which were completely different from this).

i do recall telling my psychiatrist about the others, but i do not know if she has ever noticed when i have had subtle blending, etc. in sessions.

i was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (at 16 but legit at 18-which i never agreed i had). my psychiatrist recently told me i am moving away from that as a diagnosis and more am now just dissociative with OCD.

what confuses me is that i know the others exist to whatever degree, but i do not know how fully formed they are, if they are at all.....because the ones i used to know and feel quite often, like it is said it 'generally' works, i do not know that they had their own actual 'history' or 'story' etc. or that they even held pieces of memories....it feels like they are like me where some might have a specific range of feelings (i do not feel anger, just frustration at times, but not actual anger/rage) or way of being but no actual memory of trauma...it's like the trauma is still separated from all of us even though i do know of some and always did even when i did not have the memories.

sorry...sometimes i ramble a lot.