I went to the clinic asking for DBT and, as before, was denied. It was deemed that I don't require it. But, I really do. Instead, I get the same old ineffective treatment. This was the second time that I've been denied DBT even though I specifically asked for it and it was recommended by a T. I will reiterate my request at my next T visit.

I recently came to the conclusion that I am asexual. Though I have an attraction to men, I was never really that sexual. I was criticized for not being more sexual and am disliked in the NYC LGBT community for not having a partner and for not dating. When the AIDS epidemic hit, having been raised to be asexual, I found it easier to abstain that take risks having sex. Some Ts would encourage me to be safely sexual but I was, in reality, slowing losing the desire to keep trying. The enjoyment was not there, only the need for it to calm my sex drive. Secretly, I did not want to be sexual at all. Finally, in the last two years, I began identifying as asexual. My behavior was too conservative for the gay 12-step CODA meetings I used to attend. All the participants would repeat during the meeting that they sought love instead of just sex and then, behind the scenes, there were lively sexcapades going on that I was not told about and did not participate in. When I shared that I sought love instead of sex, I really meant it. Maybe the others did too on some level but where I had a strict interpretation of the reinforcing statement, their interpretations were much, much looser. I did not find out for a long time what was really going on. When I rejected someone's come-on after a meeting and shared about it anonymously without mentioning the other person's name, I was practically ejected from the program. The person who came-on to me was a well-known 13th stepper. He had a lot of friends and a lot of power. And, he was a really sick guy - maybe a sociopath as he was very controlling. I was devastated to be ejected and what they did set me way back. T's never asked if I enjoyed sex even though it was obvious that I wasn't having any. My asexuality was fairly obvious all along; I was fooled by my same-sex attraction. I did know though that my actual desire for intimacy was low. At that time, the trauma of my youth had not been diagnosed. Maybe a really smart T would have picked up on it but none did. In retrospect, that is a huge disappointment.