Hi all, I haven't posted a new topic in a while.

Some of you know I've been really busy with my practicum, which ends in 2 weeks as well as job hunting.

My son is also very sick with MI. He has been deteriorating and it has been very difficult to watch. I love him so, my firstborn. Arghhh. Because of my tendency to split and compartmentalize, T said to me, "sister, we have to find a way to walk beside this." I told him i was running out of compartments.

As a result of all this pressure I have been depressed. I am working on the one day at a time theory right now, but feel extremely tired.

Along with all of this, I had a hard time connecting with T for two sessions in a row just prior to last Tuesday. I was upset and worried about our future together and even had a dream about it. In the dream someone in a pink bathrobe was tapping on the window of my car and I was spinning my wheels. (T? in a pink robe? hahahaha, he's a 6ft. big guy).

Finally, on Tuesday we connected again. I told him about the dream and he said, "so, how are we spinning our wheels here?"

I told him I hadn't been able to talk about some things I needed to discuss, because I didn't feel connected. (I had some urges to SI)

I said that one of the reasons i felt we weren't connecting was because I was protecting myself from his next vacation. (Remember the last one?) If I don't connect I won't have to feel the disconnect and reconnect....or something like that.

He took responsibility for the disconnect in one session and said it isn't always my fault.

I also told him that if I don't bring my inner child with me or give her a voice, then the interaction doesn't feel authentic, as if I am a phony. He really understood that.

Maybe that means I'm integrating? Maybe that integration is why I feel like I can't compartmentalize anymore?

When I was able to have this frank discussion with him I felt really connected again. (sigh)

On Tuesday, I took my shoes off and curled up on the big chair. I asked if it was okay to put my feet on the chair and he could care less and offered me an ottoman!!! I declined and wondered aloud how much further I could sink into the chair.

When we talked about my next appointment at the end of the session I asked him if we were finished and he nodded yes..I said i wasn't leaving. He laughed and said he would just tell the next guy to lay on the couch. I said he could tell him that I was hard of hearing so I wouldn't listen to their conversation.

Sigh. The thought of just sinking into that chair and sitting there with T nearby feels so safe, like it should have felt when I was a little girl. I don't want to be in my world.

Love and peace to all of you.


PS I got a job yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!