Another Update

It's becoming maddening. I am able to see the person I'm obsessing over again. While that made me happy at first, I realised that it's just gonna feed more and more into my obsession. She is the highest she's ever been on the pedestal. I can't stop thinking of her as a savior. It's pathetic I know. It's getting to the point where she has completely twisted my sexual orientation. I cannot be happy unless I find a woman who looks exactly like her, and I am no longer interested in men. At all. It's becoming distressing.

If I read anything to do with sex on the internet, the only thing I can think of is her having sex, and being degraded by it, and I think of the person who giving her sex as the devil in human form. I can't stand the thought of her having sex with others, which is weird since she doesn't even belong to me. I also get extremely upset if anyone mentions her, or if I see her talking to someone else. Man I am a selfish piece of ****, I acknowledge that. I know these thoughts are wrong. I just need help getting rid of these thoughts.

At this point I have no clue what else to do. I can't even browse the internet anymore because I'm reminded of sex, and how I associate sex and her in my mind. It has been causing suicidal thoughts.

Also, I no longer have therapy anymore since they cancelled on me, because of me being an idiot and having to miss sessions. I also found that CBT wasn't helping, and I only had 2 sessions left of it anyway.

I have no clue what to do at this point, really. Getting to the point where I've been having suicidal thoughts. Not even because of her, but because I am destined to be plagued with these thoughts for the rest of my life, not just because of her, but other people I may get obsessed with in the future.

Really, what do I do at this point? I'm sorry for the constant whining, I just want to get my thoughts out, since I never really tell anyone anything related to this issue. If it's possible I might request for this entire thread to be deleted in a few days, because it makes me feel stupid knowing this is on the internet public, and I get scared if she will find this, even if she probably won't. I'm just being irrational, I guess