Dear T

Today we were talking about therapy and that I still have trouble believing that it can get better for me and some other things. You said/asked me that I do want to get better. That what I want most is to have a good life. Right? I said yes or I think so. But what really went through my mind was
But I was too afraid to say this to you. I think that I am so thoroughly convinced that I'm a failure, worthless and that I can't get better, that this will be my only option to stop feeling so bad.

You also said that life itself isn't fun, but that you have to make it fun yourself. And that for most people life isn't automatically fun, but that every one has to put effort to make their life ''fun''. I didn't like you saying this. It makes me feel like it's all my fault. And btw; some people have it a lot easier than others. For some people it's way easier to live a ''good'' life than it is for others. I didn't choose to be like this. I know I made mistakes, I know I waited too long to get help for this depression. But all my problems started when I was a child. I didn't get good help and know it's so hard to get out of this mess. Over the years I became more and more convinced that I'm worthless and that everything it pointless. It's so hard to change that. If you could be in my shoes for a day and feel what I feel and think what I think, then you would understand it better. You understand a lot, but if you haven't felt like this, you don't really know how it is.