When the pain gets really bad are you actively suicidal, as in have plan and intent, or is it that the idea of ending it all and escaping the pain has appeal? The reason I ask is that when I hit a 10 and it seems it's never going to end I wish I was dead. I have a gut level understanding of why some folks opt to kill themselves, but I don't have any intent to actually kill myself.

I have a wonderful pdoc. We've talked about this. He lets me talk about without threatening to put me in the hospital.