Things have not been going well for me. My thyroid levels have been in the normal range for about two months now. I tried the Zyprexa medication that my doctor prescribed and gained ten pounds in two weeks despite not changing my diet at all. I stopped taking the Zyprexa but I am not at the heaviest I have ever been in my life, I am officially obese and I am completely distraught about it since I am one of the health nuts of the family.

I feel like not only has my mind betrayed me but so has my body. I'm so depressed these days about my weight I don't dare step out of my apartment and I have no energy to use my in-home gym. My acne now encompasses not only my face and back but now my neck, chest, shoulders, and even parts of my arms and thighs.

I feel disgusted with myself and disgusted with my complexion, weight, and demeanor. I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore and thinking about my appearance makes me sick and nauseous. I would give anything to be someone else right now.

I have failed all week to return phone calls for potential jobs. I managed to set up a phone interview for Friday but overslept and missed it. I'm embarrassed by my failures as I have no real reason not to have called these people back. My job recruiter is blowing up my phone and emailing me, concerned for why I haven't answered her calls or returned messages.

I either missed a dose or took a dose of my Lexapro late and within a day or three I woke up to one of the worst cases of suicidal thoughts I've had in a while. I woke up and started crying, wishing so hard I was dead feeling this huge burden on my self that I could not make go away. I opted to sleep the whole day instead which has messed up my daily schedule.

Is it possible for a missed or late dose of anti-depressant to hurl someone back into suicidal thoughts? Could this be a soft sign that I really do have bipolar disorder (I'm still not convinced it's not just atypical depression)?