Thanks everyone, let's try this again. So on Wednesday, new T said that she's worried she's not helping me enough and that I need more support than she and pdoc can give me alone because when I finish with the PHP, I'm just going to be back to therapy once a week and meds. She has me on a waiting list for a permanent social worker so at least I have more support, but she was saying she's worried about me because she thinks I'm "very sick" right now and she doesn't know how best to help me. She said that she was considering having me do the full time day hospital, but I can't take more time off work after this or I'll lose my job, which I hate, but there are NO other options since I don't speak the language of majority in this city and on top of it the job market is not great. Then she said my pdoc suggested I do an extended DBT program so at least I would have therapy once a week and a group once a week, but that she (new T) didn't think it was a good idea since she and I have a good bond and she thinks I need to have stability and learn that I can trust her right now since I'm so fragile and because of what happened with ex-T. But she said she's worried that I'm not making progress as quickly as she would like and she's worried about my quality of life and she doesn't know what to add to help me cope better and to help me make more progress faster.
Anyway, I'm just feeling so emotional and just not very well in general and having a really hard time keeping things together. I heard her say that and I just lost it because even though I rationally knew she wasn't threatening to leave, it was all I heard. All I heard out of that was that I was too much for her, or I was hopeless, or overwhelming and I wasn't trying hard enough to get better, and she was just going to fob me off on someone else. I know this is stupid since she specifically told my pdoc that she didn't want me to have to change therapists, but I just heard that and all my fears just came crashing down on me, feeling like there's no way I can do this alone right now, that someone else is abandoning me when I'm scared and in pain and that I can't handle this right now. And she just kept saying "PF, look at me and listen to me, I am not leaving. I'm right here. I have absolutely no intention of leaving you alone with this. You aren't hearing what I'm saying." I was just sobbing and I couldn't even look at her, I was so scared and exhausted and worried and embarassed and afraid.
Eventually I just said to her, "I'm scared and I don't want you to hurt me." And she said "oh PF I don't want to hurt you. I really care. I am asking for your opinion because I want you to be safe and get better, not because I want to hurt you." She also said she thinks my fear of abandonment is getting in the way of everything. Which it is. It's hard not to be overwhelmed by it now when I'm so fragile and KNOW I need help so bad and won't be okay without it. It's scary and it feels so big and serious. I know I'm more than a little depressed, I know I'm pretty sick and it's scary.
Anyway, now I've calmed down I feel bad like I maybe hurt her feelings. and I know my abandonment issues get in the way of everything. I am going to talk to her about it Wednesday but I'm trying not to let my guilt that I hurt her take over. I always do this, worry about things I said. Anyway, I'm just struggling with everything right now. I don't want that fear of abandonment to get in the way of getting better, but I don't know how to move it away. I told her I feel like I can't hold everything up. I also feel like I could be trying harder but I just keep hiding instead. I have this feeling of dread in my stomach like something really bad is going to happen, but it's just a feeling right?
In other news, I saw the pdoc today and got royal **** again for my last cut about how lucky I was that I didn't do permanent damage to my nerves or to the motion in my hand. I also am starting Lamictal.
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