I decide to quit drinking (again) and it is day 2 for that. Except now I'm day 0 for Purging. What the hell am I running from?

Tabbycat, I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I've never really struggled with anorexia stuff though. I don't really have the will power to control what I eat I am finding. So yes, the weight is going up and really, shocking, but I would like it to go down. I'm starting to get active again (depression sucks the will to do much activity). So this is good. Maybe it is only a matter of time, persistence, determination, as to when I will be able to build up strength, discipline, and self-control. Why is the little kid inside (the child within) so lost. Why can't I just grieve the loss of her never having what she needed in her childhood and then learn how to just reparent her myself? If I knew how, I would surely do this. Why does therapy take so long to work? Once a week, then limited sessions, change therapists... Nothing is consistent. There is no stability. Had hoped to find stability in a therapist. Hell, I'm even paying for this. But it is not enough and I still have not found this. The great thing about working with a therapist is that they teach you and guide you how to become a stable person and find stability if that is your goal. I could easily just go out and get married (yes, could be easy for me 2 guys seem to be quite interested), except I do not want to be co-dependent like my mom and depend on a man for stability. I want to be able to have this within myself. How will I ever raise kids or teach them how to be independent if I am just co-dependent like my mom? I know it is a lot of hard work up ahead for me. I may not make it in time to actually have kids. Why is change so hard and take so much time? Why can't therapy work faster? Maybe it is a simple matter of motivation. Surely if I were motivated, I would go out and interview tons of therapists - every one in town (except at the one major behavioral place I can't go to). Surely I would find the one I could work with and see him 2 or even 3 times a week if need be. Finances be damned. Who needs a car in winter time anyways. I should walk the 3.2 miles to and from the bus stop every day in the snow when winter hits. Cause at least I would have something real to struggle with - and I'd be getting exercise. As of now, there is nothing tangible for me to complain about. All my physical needs are met and then some. My mind has needs being met through school. So is it just the emotional needs that are lacking? I know I never really got that from my dad. But surely it could not have been the cause because we can't blame anyone but ourselves. So I am the one to blame and I need to just find a way to move faster. To have discipline. To accept that needs were not met that I needed when I was a kid.

Maybe that is a little bit what I am running from. That and also that I just cannot do the things I want to do like I want to do them. I aim high but only reach a fraction of where I want to be. High expectations and good intentions and low on the follow through. After so long of having high expectations and not meeting them, is it normal to start to give up? Some people are born with inner drive, with high energy, and probably better genetics than others. But that is still an excuse. I guess the question is, how do you find that inner light again - that energy, drive, even joy about life and experiencing happiness on a regular basis - when it has all but burned out, or has at the very least, dimmed considerable and even been almost snuffed out by others who have done harm? Oh yes, and another thing I am running from: A man who I trusted, more than anyone else - even with my life (never ever trust anyone else with your life unless they are a medical doctor) - completely failed me. He was not there when I needed him. He left me and abandoned me and deserted me and rejected me. He is never going to be there ever again. I will never get another drop or ounce of his love ever again. Who wants to face that?