The problem with it being hard to find another job is that my current skills are outdated. I've been a graphic designer for 20 years (that's what the student loan is from) I've been stuck in jobs where I wasn't given the opportunity to learn new skills and did mainly print design. Most graphic design jobs now want you to not only do print design, but also web design and web programming. It's also a very competitive field, so for every job I'm applying for, they're getting at least 200 or more resumes. Companies nowadays don't want to hire people they have to train. When they're looking at resumes, they also only want to see actual work experience, not just that you took a class in something. So that's been the challenge. The college degree alone doesn't help. Since I've been doing this for 20 years, it's all that's on my resume, so it would be hard to switch careers.

One of the health issues I face is that my blood pressure drops after I've been standing for more than 15 minutes. That's why I can't work in retail, even for a few hours, because I literally can't stand that long. I'd be passed out after an hour. I've responded to several freelance design jobs online, but haven't received any responses yet.

So last night I started looking at articles online for what makes a bad therapist, because no matter if my therapist is right or not, I feel like something hasn't been right, and now I know why. Two red flags I read about fit her. One was not giving praise when the patient has a breakthrough or does something that was hard. Recently I ended a 10 year friendship with someone because I finally got tired of her abuse and judgments of me. Walking away from her was hard for me. I guess growing up in an abusive home, I felt like I had to put up with bad behavior from people in order to have friends. But recent events have woken me up and now I realize that I have other friends who treat me a lot better and I don't need her or the other people from that group who always felt like it was ok to treat me badly. But my therapist never praised me for it. Last week this ex friend unfriended me on FB, so I mentioned it to my t. I mentioned that I never feel like she gives me credit for the good things I do and that she just keeps harping on what I'm not doing. She was like, why are you bringing it up, that was over with. That was all she said. No mention of why she doesn't praise me. The article said another red flag is that a t should never get mad at you even when you get mad at her. It should be a safe place for you to lose your temper or get upset and the t should never make you feel bad about it since therapy is very hard. Well, my t just lashed back at me yesterday telling me I was being manipulative and playing games with her and that she won't tolerate that behavior and won't tolerate me getting mad at her. WTF?? I wasn't being manipulative or playing games. She constantly tells me she's not judging me, that she's just reflecting what I'm saying to her. That's such B.S. She IS judging me and getting mad because I'm not doing what she says when she says it. All my life I've been shut down by family and friends whenever I have spoken my mind or gotten mad at someone. I've never been allowed to have my own feelings, and this t is making me feel like I do around everyone who's been abusive to me. I don't feel safe around this t now. I feel like if I stay with her, I'll have to walk on eggshells and be careful about what I say to her or she'll blow up at me. That's not going to help me learn to stand up for myself to feel afraid to speak my mind around yet another person. At least one good thing about online therapy, I don't have to face her, I just have to click the link that says change therapists or cancel the whole thing. The thought of starting all over again seems so daunting to me right now. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I mean, she's getting mad at me because it's been 3 months and I'm not making the progress she thinks I should be. Really?? I've been screwed up for over 30 years and was abused most of my life, and she thinks I should be cured after only 3 months??? I HAVE made progress, but she's not praising me for the steps I have made along the way. It's the same feeling I used to have in high school with my dad. He never praised me when I got good grades, all he did was yell and scream and call me stupid when I got bad grades. If you never praise someone, how do you expect them to ever feel good about themselves?