Hi Sona. It sounds like you have a lot of thoughts running through your head. Maybe a visit with a pdoc would help. Keep posting here—I will listen and support you…although it does not seem like I have too many answers right now. My biggest concern is that you can talk with a professional about this—I am not a referring doctor or anything—its just that if I felt like you do, I would go see my pdoc. Welcome to PC and I look forward to hearing more of your story.