Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm Worth It
If your mother was emotionally unavailable to you as a young child, combined with the loss of your father, that would be enough trauma. Lack of parental "availability" is traumatic to a child. It leaves them feeling disconnected and untethered to the world. This is extremely important for childhood development. When they don't have the necessary bond to parents, they essentially live inside themselves and remain emotionally "stunted" into adulthood. Basically, trapped in time emotionally. They also become very cerebral in their views/thinking/understanding of life. Highly intellectualized . . .
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I kind of thought I was like that - highly cerebral, intellectual - I'm actually kind of now. I have reasons - the short version: I'm kind of obsessed with intelligence and tried to convince myself for years that I was appropriately unemotional and logical, including trying to "kill" my emotions (for two reasons. One was trying to conform to an idealized stereotype - the other was not wanting to feel pain anymore..)...I'm not, though. But that's all another issue for another thread.
It's still an obsession that's kind of gotten worse...
And I mean no disrespect, I'm not trying to be argumentative....but I don't really feel I have a right to feel emotionally abandoned. Even though, honestly, I do. I recall being as young as 9 or 10, and I now realize "emotional abandonment" is the best term for what I felt. And I know there was a fear of her dying as well, but mostly that only cropped up when she was in a depressive state and talking about suicide. No idea why I felt the way I did , my guess would be stuff involving grief and being busy. Pretty sure if my mom heard this she'd say it was just hormones, since I did start developing physically around that same time.
And again, I've been told for years that I wasn't emotionally abandoned, my mom insists she was always there even though I guess I didn't believe it...yeah, I don't know who's right. Besides, I wasn't even that young when all this happened, too young for it to have such a lifelong effect?