I've been told for years that I wasn't emotionally abandoned, my mom insists she was always there even though I guess I didn't believe it. -- If that is how you've felt, then that is YOUR reality, how you perceive it. And, really, if this is how you feel about it, it's probably true. Your mom's perception of "being there" for you may simply be about "I fed her, clothed her, put a roof over her head", etc. She did her best to take care of your physical needs, but if she was distracted emotionally herself, she may not have been "all in" for you and clearly she wasnt -- she was in a depressive state and talking about suicide. If you were old enough to understand suicide -- that by itself would be a huge source of fear, mistrust, confusion and would cause a child to start living inside themselves in case that happened! Operating with this kind of fear hanging over you had to be difficult. If a parent is depressed, they aren't being fully emotionally supportive to their children. They can't be.

Pretty sure if my mom heard this she'd say it was just hormones -- that is negating your experience of losing your father and your grieving process. Minimizing the effect it had.

I don't really feel I have a right to feel emotionally abandoned -- Your feelings are YOUR feelings. You have the "right" to feel the way you feel -- she was in a depressive state and talking about suicide. You feel the way you feel for a reason or several reasons. You do not sound as though you are creating a false set of issues for yourself -- that's about attention seeking, external validation for some sort of gain.

too young for it to have such a lifelong effect? -- If all this happened before you became a fully engaged, independent, functioning adult, it doesn't matter how old you were really. It will have a life-long effect.

I would caution you though from going into the "blame" mode as I said earlier. You have to keep in mind that there is no handbook for parents. And, the possibility exists that your mother experienced somethings that were not healthy for her emotional development as well on top of the tremendous strain losing your father would have caused. It's important not to blame because that takes the "responsibility" off of you as an adult. It was not your fault what happened to you as a child and caused this in you. It does, however, become your responsibility once you discover and acknowledge the situation for yourself. In other words, your mother cannot fix things for you. You need to do that for yourself. Take "yourself" back. You have the "control" now and that sense of empowerment should be the source for addressing your "issues" and moving forward with your life and achieving a happy and rewarding emotional life experience. Not numb but alive. Blocking emotions is usually about blocking negative feelings, but while you are doing that, you are also blocking the truly wonderful emotions as well. .