thank you all - lots to think about - I'm going to get clarification from pdoc and definitely speak with T about this - thank you for helping me be strong

I am not offended Gracey - I appreciate hearing all the different takes on the situation. It helps me sort things out and be more rational so I can be more proactive and protect myself better.

On the up side, this pdoc - relationship good or bad - had really kicked up my therapy with T in a good way and we have made real progress because of him which would not have happened otherwise. I know that T felt stymied and like we were getting no where and it is possible that the thought was being played with that I might need to go somewhere else.

I still may need to go somewhere else with one or both of them - but I'll have to work up to it, and get help to actually do it. Change is horrifying for me when it is at that level because of some of my issues. I really freak out and start acting out in ways that make providers not want to work with me at all and that leaves me stranded. Just thinking about it causes panic.