Hi guys!
I'm a 20 year old woman, I was diagnosed with depression four years ago when it wasn't possible for me anymore to hide my symptoms as they had gone worse, but I've been dealing with this since I was about thirteen.

Even though I was diagnosed, there's something that is stressing me out lately badly, and it's that I constantly question myself if I'm actually depressed. I think, 'maybe I just gotta try harder', 'maybe I'm just faking it', even though I have my
I don't think I have the sleep disturbance symptom (I sleep around ten hours a day and I think the average is 8) or eating issues (like eating too much or too little), however I sometimes deprive myself of food as a form of punishment.
Is this normal? Is it possible that I have another kind of illness? I can't get a diagnosis right now, so I guess for now I'd really love any kind of opinions.

This is how I feel:

-I do not enjoy anything, or am good at anything.
-I absolutely loathe myself, and I see myself as less than any living being. I do not think I deserve kindness towards me, and I do not have selfesteem.
-I feel guilt and embarrassment for existing every day. Thinking of embarrassing stuff I did when I was 13-15 makes me automatically suicidal.
-I'm extremely sensitive to rejection/being ignored.
-Every day I feel mostly numb but still sad/self-deprecating, I also have breakdowns in which I'm completely sad and get very suicidal.
-Experiencing any strong emotion, even if it's a happy one, a few hours later makes me severely depressed.

-I'm extremely envious. I compulsively stalk the blogs of people who live in first world countries, are pretty, have money, talents, and lots of like-minded friends; In my dreams I own their stuff, or become their friends.

-I'm very forgetful, moody, I snap at family and friends easily and for very stupid reasons. I'm 100% sure they all hate me, and the ones that do not, it's because they do not know who I actually am, but will discover it later.

-If someone ignores what I'm saying or is slightly mean/sarcastic to me, I automatically get deeply depressed, suicidal, and harm myself. (ex. I ask my mom to buy me cookies when she goes outside and she forgets to. So I auto-go to the bathroom and

-I love my friends, but I compulsively avoid meeting with them and reading their messages on skype/whatsapp. It stresses me out really badly, and I struggle interacting with others. I can't look at people in the eye, it's nearly impossible for me to make friends.

-I daily feel as if everything is a dream, I think I'm dettached from reality. I actually thought this was normal, until I talked to others who had no idea of what I was talking about. I don't think of consequences, have terrible memory, and mostly live only in the present (besides embarrassment from previous acts). I also dont have much connection with my body, I view it as a thing or vessel to host my mind. I can't take it or my life seriously because it all feels irreal and blurry. I feel like I act by instinct, or as if I'm programmed to. My eyes aren't focused, and if I start thinking of being here, of existing, of why are we here, my mind freaks out and panics, everything starts looking extremely surreal

-If something goods happen, my mood improves for a few days and I completely forget what depression feels like, even tell myself 'maybe I was just being dramatic' (even though I know it probably stems from
This one confuses me so much.

-I don't really experience sexual attraction but I am not asexual, as I experience sexual desire. I want to have sex, but I don't have much interest, I feel as if I have a mental barrier, I've tried it before but physically I feel almost nothing.

Is this all normal? Is it regular depression, or does it sound like anything else?

If anyone reads this, thank you so much for your time.