angelicgoldfish- thanks for your reply I don't think you should feel that it's all about lack of will-power- it's about the mentality of fear- I don't eat certain things because the idea of eating them is so tied to weight gain and that totally freaks me out-if I knew and could trust my body to not balloon the way it always seems to when I eat, I'd not be so focused on fearing everything I eat.

I totally get what you mean by the feeling of instability- but I really think a lot of that has to do with our own stuff- I am extremely lucky as I've not only seen the same Psychiatrist for over 18 years (despite her curtailing things about 2 years ago because she is pursuing other things I can ask to see her any time) I also have had the same therapist for many years too- yet the one thing constantly on my mind is "when is it going to end"? which transfers to being anything from worrying about my therapist having died between sessions to imagining and having nightmares about her vanishing-don't get me wrong; I've had experiences of both frequent changes of therapists (please don't ask me to count how many I've been through!) and having the same person I can see and build a relationship with yet it seems the more time I have the greater my fears and I have in the past even been unable to leave my home because I am physically shaking because I'm so sure something bad will happen very soon and I will be alone and though I know that wont kill me, I don't think I can see a way through the sheer weight of the feelings and intense feeling of not wanting to carry on. I know it wouldn't kill me, I'm not so sure I wouldn't... (that isn't something I feel brave enough to tell anyone because I'm worried it would feel like some sort of emotional blackmail.)
But I'm going off on a tangent! I just wanted to say that although I see your worried about the constant changes and insecurity; it may not be just the reality of the situation -there could be more to it than meets the eye.

It doesn't sound so much as your running from something than your trying to face-first throw yourself into a mindfield of stuff which has no answer- there is no right time for kids, no right time for marriage, no right time for anything, as people we never really feel complete, we can know our issues and what to do about them, but still never actually feel able to pull it all together and take a firmer grip to move forward. I am at the point in my life where I start to realise, I'm unlikely to have kids. I've been so overwhelmed and suffocated with the stuff of my mental health (eating disorder aside, my anxiety and depression issues are far harder to grapple with; hence the ED as a coping strategy...) you seem to have put an adult mind on your life but not given yourself to breathe- as if by ruling your life with discipline and will-power (I can see it even if you can't) and a correct focus you will push your life forward when actually maybe the part that you want to move forward doesn't get a look in because your too busy placing your focus elsewhere.

But that's just what I pick up from your post here- you seem to explain where your at really clearly from where I'm sitting anyway!
I totally get what you say on the "low on follow through"- depression does that to you and IMO depression can often come from trying so bloody hard, only to feel like your still struggling to get to the end of the day- there is no let up. Your own high expectations no doubt also make it feel like anything you've tried is of no big deal and it can feel like you have no follow through, but unless you have someone tell you to type all that, the fact your acknowledging all that, trying in any way to do battle with it (many wont and don't bother and instead pass it on to their kids or project it all on to their partner in some sort of abusive relationship) I'd say your possibly not recognising what you have done and are doing and just because it's not reaping such clear benefits, doesn't mean you should ignore it.

IMO, that inner light gets clouded when the rest of our lives and head problems block it. It's still there even if you can't reach it, don't give up trying to get it back- many never even realise it is there at all.

Your head seems to be working at a million miles an hour- either your at a point of utter desperation trying to think your way through this or you are struggling with trying to block out everything that really matters because you can't cope yet with the stuff that really hurts. I don't know- it's just what I pick up and can relate to! Keep a diary, work on putting things to rest and try to focus on the real stuff and not the imagined future, fears you don't have answers for and pressures you've picked up for yourself. Today is what matters, tomorrow is tomorrow- it's a hard thing to do, but if you can start to work on what is actually with you, it makes getting to the root of the problems a whole lot easier; as one very intelligent ED nurse once told me; it can be a smoke-screen for what is really there, in order that we can block out what is really there.