What you say makes so much sense. In fact, for most of my life, I fit the criteria of one who would attempt to control my surroundings to mirror my own reality.

Since I'm feeling open and philosophical today, I'll go ahead and share a brief relevant history about myself. My mother was an abusive narcissist who desired to do nothing more than control me. She would use the mental health system to make me easy to control in the form of lying to the mental health professionals so she can get a bunch of medicine shoved down my throat and she had me institutionalized when I acted out in even the slightest matter. She also used fear to control me by constantly threatening to have me locked up or to have a drunk uncle with anger issues come over to beat me. Heck, she even denied me the chance to play outside and make friends like normal kids and she forced me into an abusive foster home when I had the nerve to defy her one time that was in a black gang dominated neighborhood which made survival hard for me as a white socially awkward young boy.

Without getting further into any sob stories, I was forced to learn most of what I know about life on my own because I had nobody to guide me. I was conditioned by my experiences to not rely on love or count on anybody ever caring about me so I became cold and calculating and became extremely skilled at manipulation at a young age. Because of how I was forced to learn and adapt, it became a source of pride for me and I became extremely egotistical and combative towards any who dared try to change me.

I've been going through what I would call an "enlightenment age" where I've been learning so much more about myself. I've been constantly craving more knowledge and I've been wanting to grow and improve to the best of my abilities despite any defects that I supposedly have.

This is also why I've been starting to suspect that I'm actually a covert narcissist. I have a massive ego, I'm completely self centered, I see myself as being better than most people, I lack empathy for all but 5 people in the world, I don't seem to feel genuine guilt, I'm obsessed with wealth generation and making my over the top fantasies a reality, I constantly hide behind a mask and allow people to only learn what I want them to learn about me or outright lie when it suits me, and I'm very grandiose. In fact, according to Narcissist Inventory test on PC, I got a 34 of 40 and I meet 6 of the 9 criteria to be diagnosed with NPD.

Still though, I'm so self aware that it's actually scary. I think I'm this self aware because of how I was forced to learn and adapt completely on my own at such a young age which in turn gave me an extremely intuitive and introspective mind.

Anyways, enough with my ranting. I was supposed to get off, but It's clear that I still have poor impulse control because I had to log in and check for replies on this thread haha