Hi, this is a very emotional, unhappy rant I want to get off my chest. I'm almost starting to cry about it in public because it's getting so hard to deal with, and I'm not the type to cry about anything.

I've tried so hard to move past my "shyness" in order to build friendships. I've been told again and again that I need to move past my comfort zone in order for people to understand me and care about me, or just to build friendships.

Well, I've done anything I could just to change things around. I've gone out more, I've tried talking and being friendly with my many coworkers, and I've been trying to be more caring in what I talk about and how I interact. I still act friendly to coworkers without missing a beat.

Still... It's hopeless. All my coworkers avoid me now, and they give me sneers and act condescending towards me. They give each other "knowing" looks around me, and stop talking when I'm around. I heard someone mention that they have to stop talking because I'm near by. Everyone there has friends except me, and everyone acts upset when they have only me to work with. No, I'm not a bad worker, and I get compliments about my work ethic by supervisors. People out at stores and other public places avoid me like the plague. If a group of adults are in a room, they all talk to each other while ignoring me. Maybe one might glance at me here and there, but look away if I look up in return or smile. I remember walking by a woman and man once and the woman angrily looked at the man (who was ignoring me), "You were staring at her, won't you?!" No, I don't dress revealingly. I purposely wear baggy clothing that covers myself completely. If people treat me the way they do for some shallow reason like the way I look or act, I want to just take them all and yell at them that life's much too hard to ever care about things so stupid, and all the hard things I've had to trudge through every day of my life, and how alone I've always been. How when I was screamed at everyday how I'm "just like my mother" and how I was a robot and wouldn't react even if I was killed. How it was to be almost choked by your drunk father before he changed his mind, to be openly threatened with death and rape by him. To leave school each day of no one friends and rejection just to know you'll spend the entire night being yelled at and threatened by your drunk father, because you're so worthless that no one would ever care. To be treated like you're the most innocent little animal in the world because you act so sweet and naive, when you're fighting off your suicidal thoughts and inner hopeless rage from all the unfairness, which never leaves. It's so hard to deal with. When people treat me like this, it feels like someone's running knives across my self-esteem every day, just tearing it more and more to shreds.

I've found that maybe most woman build friends through combined attention through a man. Hard to explain... I mean that a man so graciously bestows attention upon a few women, so all the woman become friends with each other. I say this because the woman I meet act so much differently towards men, and seem to give them respect.

And as for how men treat me, this often act treat me like I'm some cute animal that doesn't deserve respect but should be treated kindly. Being mean to me for them is like being rebellious and truthful by not treating this "animal" right.

I've always been like this. The one without friends. The weird one that everyone can hate together, like a bonding experience.

No, I've only had a couple of short-term friends that were close, meaning they actually cared about me.

So many of my friends treated me like a doll, and usually didn't ask how I felt or what I wanted.

My friends only made friends with me out of "nowhere," like I was a pet ripe for adopting, no matter what the animal thought.

No, it's not because I smell... I wash regularly and take care of my body.

I feel like everyone's allowed to treat me like utter garbage with no consequences because I'm a "beautiful" young woman. Of course, looks are all that matter (sarcasm), so of course it doesn't matter how much I'm squashed under other people's feet. Or how much I suffer in isolation and rejection.

I feel like everyone's trying to so hard every day to make me like a reject, to give up and kill myself or something, so that they can feel just a tiny bit more superior than they usually do.

People treat me like I'm disgusting and don't deserve social interaction. That I should be locked away out of public view.

I just don't want to live like this anymore.