Little background, I'm 32 diagnosed with bipolar I and anxiety/panic disorder.
So I have this friend who also has bipolar disorder and borderline traits, I work in the field as a counselor and I think she has borderline personality disorder but I digress. She has been going through a bout of sever depression recently and I've been helping her through it. In one of her angry outbursts regarding where her depression is stemming from she told me I don't understand bc "mine is worse than yours. You don't know anything about depression" now I know this comment was made out of her situation and she didn't mean it as you can't compare yours to anyone's no one knows but you how it truly feels. I know I've said some things I didn't mean lashing out when depressed or manic however later in the day alone I got annoyed. I usually have good control over my emotions after 15 years since be diagnosed but it still got to me. So like a complete jerk I thought "you wanna bet whose is worse!" And I begin thinking of all the things I went through: loneliness, cutting, mixed episodes, isolation that started in high school, no friends, delusional episodes and then it happened...an incident when I was 11 years old cropped up. I hadn't thought about this in over ten years. Don't want to get into to much detail but here are broad strokes: 11 sleeping at my cousins an older 18 year old cousin came into my bed and violated me. At the time I didn't tell anyone I didn't know if it was normal or not being 11 but it scared me. So I buried it but now because I had to act childish to "beat" her at whose illness is worse I've opened Pandora's box and I can't get it out my head for the past three weeks. I keep hearing him whisper in my ear laying on top of me. I've never told anyone about it. I remember the whole night in great detail. I liked feeling indifferent and numb not remembering. My medication controls my emotions well and prevent me from slipping dramatically to different moods but now I'm ****ed. I want these thoughts to go away and I want to forgot it again. Being a counselor I know the healthy way to handle the situation but I don't want that. I want to bury it and never think of it again. Can someone tell me how they do that? I was perfectly fine before I drudged it up. Now I have depression, with that flu sick type physical pain, anxiety and completely vulnerable. I hate it. Ignorance is bliss and I want to go back to that. Now.