Hi..I'm starstorm. I will say that I am new here and this will only be my second post, whenever I see anyone saying they are afraid of becoming their mother it hits a nerve in me and I feel compelled to at least empathize. Miraculous words of wisdom or cliches I am sorry to say I am lacking in. I won't pretend to know how you feel or what you've been through. But the whole "mother " thing hits home with me. I dealt with my less than Suzy homemaker mother most of my life. Although in my younger years she was my dads responsibility however thanks to the marvel that is divorce some time around my 14th year I seemed to have inherited the mom problems by default. She spent many a weekend in bed when I was small....many cancelled trips..cancelled birthdays..trips to the ER... migraine headaches were the culprit at that time. I was young.. memories are foggy..going much off what my dad would say..however as a teenager having to be there for her on my own I began to notice a much more sinister problem. Things I was not able to cope with and understand at 15 and 16 years old. Trip after trip to ER for migraine... pain shots..she just wasn't herself. No doubt the divorce from my dad after 12+ years of marriage did little to help anything. She went to doc after doc...specialists..neurologists...psychs...all of them. She was eventually written off by all...labeled a drug seeker and put on methadone in the end.

My mom would always make comment on how I was so much like her with my health issues. How she could just see herself in me. We spent quite a few years apart after I turned 18. She move to Florida with her alcoholic abusive boyfriend who absolutely destroyed anything that was left of her. Don't get me wrong she had her health issues. She suffered migraine headaches pretty much her entire life. She certainly suffered depression and was hospitalized on at least two occasions that I can remember. I remember taking her to emergency rooms and walk in clinics for migraine headaches and she was clearly in pain. Whether the pain was all from the migraine or gorgeous severe mental pain possibly both I'll never know. Fairly traumatic 4 A 15 year old to hear her mother makes sense vicious and horrible threats.
I would be angry with her trying to explain that her methods for ensuring that no one in the medical field would ever help her or take her seriously again. She was flagged as a drug seeker all over town, at every hospital, every walk in clinic , every doc in the box within a 50 mile radius of our home. She did move to Florida. I wish I could say this help her but truthfully I think it was the worst thing she could have done. How was all of 17 when she left for Florida to live with her alcoholic abusive asshole boyfriend. And then some lovely doctor in Florida decided xanax with a good drug to put this woman on. Only adding to her plight for more painkillers at which point methadone was what they decided she should be on.

Now I will admint that at first methadone seemed OK. She seemed like my mom again for the first time in a long time. At some point she had some major back problems that caused her neuropathy in her leg numbness into her foot and she was unable to walk for a while. And her upstanding jackass alcoholic boyfriend decided she was too much trouble and when he brought her up to visit you must her here. I was pregnant expecting a baby in a few months. My sister and husband certainly weren't going to take on this burden so my husband and I had her come live with us and help with our new baby.

Now before you think I'm insane my mom at this time was somewhat normal I felt comfortable having her come stay with us. Watch our new baby help me out and C if we could make this work. But as they say old dogs don't learn new tricks. She was good... Behaved... Responsible with her meds... For short while. Soon my nightmare began. As time went on it became apparent and she had not changed. It was apparent she was on her best behavior got comfortable and slip right back into her old ways the minute she realized methadone could be abused. Long story short I gave her every opportunity to straighten up. I took her meds. I administered the correct dose of her med on a daily basis. I hid them from her and did all I could but she still would hoard and save them and abuse them. After so long I made the decision to put my children daycare remove them from her care for their safety and to hopefully light one last ditch effort of a fire under her *** to prove I was serious. After a series of events in our lives she ended up renting her own apartment with my kids in daycare. I had an argument with her where I hold nothing back. I was mean. I was honest and she needed to hear it.

Now she had at some point been diagnosed with autoimmune disorders. One of which mixed connective tissue disorder. Obvious chronic migraine headaches. Mitral valve prolapse syndrome dysautonomia. Which come to find out in my own finding is not something you're born with and is highly hereditary and can cause a host of problems.

After her death I had made it my mission do not become her. I wanted to know what was wrong with her what could be wrong with me now or in the future and also what may happen with my own daughter later on. I spent 4 months nonstop online reading and researching and came up with many interesting possibilities and I'm saddened everyday that I could not have done this while she was here and maybe I could have helped and supported her more then ridiculed and dismissed her so many others had done. I'm not perfect . I struggle daily with chronic pain autonomic issues blood pressure heart rate all sorts of things that my family is now dismissing for me. My husband tries. He believes he wants to understand but my father my sister and all my other blood family C me as my mom. And drug seeking hypochondriac and I'm pretty sure that's all I'll ever be to them. I realize now that my mom was sick with several major issues. I wish I could have supported and helped her...I just didn't understand then...I would give anything to let her know that I get it now. I believe without a doubt she was bipolar.. had sever dysautonomia and others. I KNOW I am bipolar...the event of my life over past years really leave no other explanation.

So while this isn't helpful to ur particular situation with your mom necessarily...I do relate to the whole quest to not be her. It consumed my life after she died... and doctor or no doc...I know my months of research led me to answers I needed...not what I wanted to hear...but what I needed to find for her and me and my daughter.

Please contact me if u want to chat...vent..have questions...it's so hard to include everything in these short descriptions of our lives but I am hoping to reach out to someone that may need a boost or a friend.