I am the last to know as usual. I often feel/think that my family/spouse are more aware of what is going on with me than I. I ask often if doctors have been communicating with them regarding me. I get the impression that the answer is yes, just based on their body reaction and facial expressions. I have a keen sense of intuity and I hate it.

I have had conversations with my family regarding my feelings or how I feel physically only to have it regurgitated by my pdoc on my next meeting and vice versa, family has treated me differently after I have met with the pdoc.

Of course this makes me crazy, but I can live with that and it is fine with me, but I'm not understanding if I am spiraling and on the edge of a cliff, why is no one (professionals) helping me? I feel so out of control sometimes. It takes a lot out of me to supress emotions and thoughts. I am often left embarred and confused after spilling my guts out to perfect strangers, telling them of my suicidal thoughts, of my depression and even talking about the ghost i see or have/seen. Once I come to myself and think why did I just do that it usually sets me off, depressing me beyond my own understanding. This is a visious cycle and often repeated sometimes 2 and 3 times a day.
Sometimes I am all alone and thoughts rage through my mind like a dam in my brain has broken....open the flood gates.

I see neuro-epileptic doc 2morrow, I'm not sure if she can help me, I'm not sure if I want to throw-up again or should I just ride this out, hope that time will bring some peace. I just don't know.

I'm not even sure I want to know the truth. I'm afraid that I can't handle it, I'm afraid of confirmation, even more so, I'm afraid I may not be able to live with it.