There is no need to say anything by anyone, no one could be more disappointed in me than me.......... I am restricting once again...

And does it really matter... my extreme pain needs to be expressed somehow...

If you think about it,,, I could just as well go back to SI'ing or exercising till I drop, or ending my life, or.. or.. or.. or.. or.. and the list goes on and on and on...

so what can anyone really say.. you're a mess.. and I would agree..

I cannot even scream and yell at the person that caused all this pain... because I would have to ask myself if it was my 12 year self that got involved with the pedophile or the pedophile himself..

if I had just been a grown up at 12, none of it would have happened, if the pedophile had not been my teacher it would not have happened, if my dad had not already groomed me for the peophile.. would it have happened??
I am not sure what hurt the most, the grooming or the abuse.

or perhaps... it is the secrecy... the need to keep "the secret" so I was "mute" for the first year..

God picks and chooses " and this child will have pain, extreme pain and this child will be blessed"..

It is ironic, the very pain that was inflicted on me.. has also made me an outcast in the very society that I live in.

Perhaps, it will also make me an outcast in heaven.. one placed for the blessed that deserve help and one place for those that don't... we don't truely know do we what it will be like...

I don't know...

I do know...

no 3 meals a day,,,, no puppy,,, no anything...

my pain needs to find a place to ease.. so it has gone into this post.. it is better than ending my life....