I know I've done more reading than writing and supporting, and so I know and understand why I don't typically receive a lot of comments or advice. I bit the bullet and wrote a loooooong email to my T (while a little intoxicated) about my struggle with being obsessed with her and wanting her affection, and how that need has outweighed everything I came to therapy for in the first place. I've been seeing her for about 4 years or so, and I still struggle to say ANYTHING, so this was a major, major, major deal.

There are reasons why now was the time to tell her these things, but that's besides the point. I kept hinting to her that I needed to tell her stuff, and I finally went through with it early last week. I sent the email. I was heading on a business trip for work, and so for some reason I felt the adrenaline knowing I would be states away for the next few days after sending.

At the end of my email, I told her not to worry about responding. I 100% regret that. She always responds, and for some reason I just couldn't bear to see the words she would write, so I asked her not to. The day after I sent the email, she texted me and said everything would be ok (I wrote in my email that I was worried this would change things). I didn't feel any less unsettled I then told her I wanted to take a week off, and she seemed somewhat annoyed, and even asked why I thought a week off would help. The thing is, I couldn't face her!!! I eventually told her the reason, and she seemed okay with it, and even apologetic about pressuring me to come in instead.

Fast forward.... I'm scheduled to see her early next week, and I'm still not ready. I think I screwed everything up for me permanently. I wish I could go into further detail, but I don't feel comfortable.

Any advice on how to face my T... someone who I crave attention from, and want to impress, and idolize... about this issue that gives me anxiety attacks and horrible embarrassment, I'd appreciate it