Lonesome, I do the self-hatred thing a lot as well and think a lot of self-harm is due to that. Glad to hear you are on a safety plan and hope that you stay safe.

Passionfruit, sorry to hear about your talk with your mom that triggered you. Self-harm does provide release of those painful and intense feelings. Hope you are able to find a way to release those feelings without hurting yourself in the future.

roboanxia, I agree how it is anger turned inward. And yes, the identity thing with the emotional pain being a part of who we are now. That has been an identity for so long for me now. I won't allow myself to be happy most of the time. I think I fear being any different as it is just who I am now. Have you ever heard of how our weight has a set point that is most comfortable for our bodies to be at and so they will gravitate to that point? There's emotional set points as well. I think mine has found a comfortable "normal" that includes being in emotional pain all the time and alternating between not feeling much to feeling all these painful, intense emotions. It is mostly at the not feeling much end of the spectrum for now, which feels normal now. I guess I would rather take that end of the spectrum instead of the painful, intense emotional side. But then the self-harm can also be a way to feel something when you feel nothing and want to feel something again. This way the pain is in your control--what, where and when the pain happens--instead of it happening when we don't want it to.

Hope everyone doing well and staying safe.