Starting around the age of 14, I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression. I coped with it by self-medicating. I got into a lot of trouble as a teen and was in and out of group homes and foster homes but every time they did a psych evaluation on me, I would lie and say I was fine, that I didn't think of suicide or self-injure, etc. I didn't want to reach out for help. And I've always been a very private person. My parents taught me never to tell what goes on behind closed doors.
When I was diagnosed at 25, I started seeing a psychiatrist because I was depressed and having panic attacks a lot. I didn't know much about bipolar. She put me on some meds and a few months later, I wound up in the hospital. A few months after that, I quit my meds and was in denial about having bipolar.
It wasn't until recently that I was in a manic episode that went from euphoric to dysphoric and I ended up in a mixed state that I sought help and accepted my diagnosis.
My mind was racing, I was paranoid, I would get so irritable and then angry, then it would turn into a full blown rage every single day. I would rage on an on spewing profanities and being completely destructive for hours until I was completely exhausted every day. I wanted to die just to make the thoughts and feelings stop.
What helped me was when I went to a clinic and they referred me to a partial hospital program. I saw a doctor and got on meds right away and I went to this program for five hours every day. They were just group sessions where we learned about dbt, mindfulness, coping skills, etc. My husband has been a help too, being so patient with me. Reading a lot about the illness, and these forums have also been a big help.