Most of you know my story, so I won't go deeply into it. I have severe bipolar disorder but went for about 8 years with no meds believing I was symptom free (except for a postpartum depresson). While in hindsight I did have episodes during those 8 years, they were mild episodes and not once did I see an indication of bipolar disorder that would have led me back to a psychiatrist. During those years I sometimes believed I was healed by God from bipolar disorder, I othertimes believed I had simply been misdiagnosed and that my issues sprung from puberty and poor adjustment to change (or other things I conjered). Then I had a severe psychotic break. I was so delusional, that once I was better, there was absolutely no denying the truth. Either I did in fact have Bipolar Disorder or I was a chosen one. Since the latter is unfortunately unreasonable to a rational mind, I gave in, went back to a psychiatrist, and got back on meds. I've been on meds for the three years since. I was very, very unwell over the last three to three 1/2 years. I suffered through two pregnancies (one of which was a loss at 12 weeks); the hormones from which made my condition exceptionally worse. I cycled severely: delusional manias and LOOONG, crippling depressions. I thought I would never get better and then I just did. All of my postpartum hormones settled (my daughter turned 2 this past Sat) and things don't make sense to me once again. I've had months (I'm not even sure how many but I'm guessing four) without bipolar symptoms. It feels detached from me and, while I know that is a very good thing, it doesn't make any sense at all. Do other people with severe Bipolar 1 have such remissions? Do they become so well that they can function in a normal capacity? I don't have an easy life by any means, but I am living it functionally. I'm focused and aware, I'm involved with my family and not my own head. I don't even realize it. I probably sound boastful, maybe I am boastful. But, I just don't understand the illness in me. Will I get sick again? I would imagine more than likely, yes I will. In fact, I see myself losing my mind completely if I ever have to suffer a tragic grief (or even just the normal loss of my parents or spouse). I have heard stories of folks losing someone close, hallucinating that someone's prescence, then believing that person to still be alive. I imagine this will be me. I already fear it. I know I am not capable of surviving the loss of my parent's or husband without going insane again. Anyway, I took my sanity for granted once before. I almost laughed at the idea of my having suffered it previously (before my psychotic break). I felt cocky about it...I thought I "conquered" mental illness. I did it. I had the control. I thought I was better than it. I thought I could will myself out of the battle. I'm afraid I'm taking it for granted once again. How do I forget about it without forgetting I have it? Nothing major sparked my psychotic break. No event, no major stress, no thing can I point to that caused my bipolar to relapse. That said, it feels like my wellness is in tact. How do I live in awareness that I have a chronic illness that could take my sanity without living in gloom and in fear of it? Any bipolar vets have any ideas? Thanks!

Miss you guys!
All of my love!
~Sarah