Okay, I know I said last night that I wasn't going to offer advice because I have never been married, but I have been in a long-ish relationship with a guy with problems with depression, and a lot of what you've said in this above post was recognizable to me.

No, absolutely not! Even without the part about thinking about leaving, he has done and said several extremely hurtful things to you.

I imagine you know already that our emotions don't operate by logic. If someone hurts us deeply, sure, the more evolved part of our brain can see why there may be extenuating circumstances. That doesn't change the fact that we have been emotionally wounded. I think it's important to acknowledge this and to be gentle with yourself. Don't focus on the big, distracting thing (your husband's depression and his actions and lack of them) to the point of not practicing self-care.

I'm very glad to hear that your husband wants to see a couple's therapist. That is a very positive step. If he will be involved in helping to choose the therapist, that will be great. I'm going to suggest a male therapist. (I'm hoping that other posters will offer advice about whether they think this matters or not.)

I have to say that I'm starting to wonder about that a little the more of your story I hear. I wonder if there may not be some other mental health issue going on with your husband in addition to the depression. People can be very depressed and still manage not to be cruel.

What??? I had to re-read this three times. My mind was trying to make it say "depressed because he felt HE wasn't good enough in bed."

I'm thinking this is not typical. I'd like to hear what other forum members think. My personal experience is that if a depressed male partner even wants to have sex, that it will pretty much always be a positive experience, and if it isn't, the guy will blame himself and not the woman.

I found myself trying to think of some explanation for what your husband could mean by what he said. All I could come up with were bizarre fictional scenarios, like you're the graduate of a four-year course in "How to Be a Cosmo Girl and One of Those Tantric Sex Goddesses, Too" and he's disappointed that you graduated with only a B+ average.

Seriously, though, I've had one boyfriend who had a major problem with depression and I've struggled myself with depression off and on for years, and my personal opinion is that having sex with a depressed person can often be difficult. The type of complaint I'd expect to hear is more along the lines of "I don't feel like we're as close as we used to be" or "I feel guilty for being depressed and feel like it makes me less desirable."

I'm hearing a lot of "me, me, me" in what your husband has said, and it concerns me. That's what's making me question whether it's just depression going on with him or depression plus something else.

Any history of substance abuse with him? (You absolutely don't have to answer that.) If there is, even if it's in the past, it would explain some of his behavior. At least, in the glimpse of your problems that you've given us, I don't see as much guilt on his part as I'd expect. There's more blaming.

In any case, I'm so very glad that the two of you are planning to see a couple's counselor.

As far as feeling shattered, in this case I would ask you to try to put your hurt on hold until you can find out more about what your husband has to say about this and what he's thinking. Depression can twist thinking and cause a person to have great trouble making rational choices.

I am wanting to suggest something for you for self-care. An internet search for the term will turn up lots of suggestions. Some of them are everyday things that we may need reminding are important when we're upset, like eating healthy foods and getting enough sleep.

I think focus is a big part of it. Being able to pull your focus away from your marital problems and center yourself and be kind and compassionate to yourself is a big part of it.