I cannot tell you guys how much I appreciate your responses.

Capriciousness -- the reason we've been engaged for quite a while is because of these issues we're having (and also financial reasons). Bipolar factors in when I am asking myself if it is ok to have these needs, or does it just mean I am symptomatic when feeling deeply unsatisfied. You're absolutely right that it is a passionless relationship. For years I've been telling myself that it would get better, or even that it didn't matter...that with commitment and time we would have a satisfying relationship. I think you're right that I know it isn't right for me...but I have invested so much in it that I am finding it really hard to be able to leave. Not to mention the fact that the past two to three years have been horrible for me in terms of my illness and my fiance has been one of my only supports. He is there for me no matter what. He could not be more loyal or caring. My fiance is one of the best people I have ever known...and the men that I have had the most passionate relationships with were always jerks in a way or just somehow deeply flawed...I know we all are but I seem to have a knack for certain characters. I am missing romance in my life though. I want it so bad it hurts. I have asked my fiance to try to be more passionate or more romantic but it seems like something he cannot do. I think he may have Asperger's...but that is a whole other story.

The good news is we are seeing a therapist together soon. Even if we do go our separate ways, we will need help with that.

I just feel so sad about this whole situation. I just cannot seem to make the right decisions in life...but I am great at making HUGE life-changing decisions...then a year later going "oh **** what have I done" and having a period alone in a very dark place. I'm pretty messed up guys. I don't know what to do. If I leave my fiance I think I will be suffering mental health wise. Maybe I'll go back down to FL or go see my ex in CA... All this **** just makes me realllllly want to take off and leave.