Already dreading the week to come....

Wednesday, Aug. 1 is 8 years since my dad died. I miss him every single day. I still think about him, still dream about him, wish like crazy he were here to share some of the good things that have happened to me in the last 8 years. Next to relinquishing my son, losing my dad has been the most traumatic experience of my life, even more than the abuse at the hands of my mom, I think -- my dad had plenty of his own faults and drawbacks, but of the two of them, he was the sane one. I miss the buffer he was against my mom's craziness, which has continued pretty much unabated. I miss hanging out with him on football Sundays, yelling at the TV together for bonehead plays. I even miss the arguments he used to purposely pick with me just to get me to speak up.

Worse, I have to work this weekend, and when I work weekends I have to take a day off during the week. I usually take Thursday, but have a trial to cover this Thursday and a story due Tuesday morning, and my officemate is off Monday, leaving me alone -- so that leaves me -- Wednesday. Home. Alone. All day. Just me and my thoughts.

This past June 26, it was two years since one of my closest friends, ever, died. I can't even look at his picture yet. I see things and think, "I gotta call John and tell him about that," and then the bottom falls out of my heart, and I realize I can't. I don't live in the same town anymore, but when I go home for visits, I try to make myself go to his grave, thinking, if I see the headstone, see the name, see the dates, I'll accept it and start to recover. But it doesn't work. Every time I realize I won't ever get another hug from him, hear his goofy laugh, call him up and say "I've got an extra ticket, you wanna go to the game?," I burst into tears. Two years!!! and I haven't even *begun* to accept that he's gone.

Does grief ever end? People say time heals all wounds, but in my life, at least, I've found that to be complete crap. For me, anyway, time changes grief, but doesn't end it -- it's always with me. I don't know how to begin to accept it, to move on without people who were so important to me.



-- a very sad bear