This is me! I was in a constant mixed episode for a year and a half when I was 18-19. At 19 I had ect. I got better - probably to the point of hypomania - and I believed I was cured. Actually I thought I never had bipolar and was misdiagnosed from the get go. I went six years symptom free, though looking back I can see I still cycled, albeit mildly. Then in 2013 everything went to hell again. I had my first true manic episode and my first round of mike psychosis. Still I wasn't sure I had bp (some of you know, you saw me around here). It wasn't until 2014 when I had a major psychotic episode that I believed the dx. And it still took another lengthy round of ect to bring me out of it. And since the ect....I've been stable. Mild depressed episodes, maybe moderate. Maybe a hypomania here and there. But nothing like I had been experiencing. And it's been that way for ten months.

Now I thought losing my husband would mean losing my mind as well. But aside from my initial bad choice as a reaction to it, I've actually done rather well. I have days where all I can do is cry but all people experiencing such a devastating loss would have that. I had a depressed episode in August but once I raised my AD it stopped. No more trying mess and failing, flailing around on my own trying to stay afloat. And it's WEIRD.

I worry too that this is only temporary. Especially with my loss; I'm worried that I'm filing it all away and it will come back to bite me later. sometimes I even think I was making everything up and I was just a selfish drama queen.

But I still enjoy the stability. I think taking everything one day at a time is necessary. You can't enjoy the stable life if you are always looking over your shoulder. Just trying to enjoy the moment helps me get through. And I know my signs of impending episodes and I am not unwilling to discuss with my pdoc now.

I'm so glad you have found peace finally! Now just try to enjoy the moment. Yes you will likely get sick again. I likely will too. But it went well for years last time so who's to say it won't go well for even longer this time? For both of us?

And trust me, if you do encounter tragedy in your life...you may realize you're stronger than you ever thought possible.

Love ya!