I saw the neuro doc, she's a keeper. I can tell she is truly concerned. I expressed some of my thoughts, shared with her how I felt I wasn't being helped. She gave me a report for today's visit and it indicated that I was clinically depressed. She said she thought it was bipolar disorder. She also suggested that I seek a new pdoc. I told her I was tired of changing doc and it didn't matter because I felt none of them could help me anyway. I told her I felt it was just a matter of time before I lost it all. I think she heard me, she upped one med and added a new med for the depression. She explained that perhaps the current pdoc withdrew the welbutrin because of seizure like symptoms and that in it's self is a whole different delima. I cried, yes as I always do. especially when I open up and tell what I am really feeling. Sad, tho, I can't say everything because somethings I say prompt immediate inpatient and I notice that they all tell me that when I am about to lose it. So, I held my breath and prayed not to pass out. It worked and as a prize I got a headache from hell.

Still, she heard me, she gave good advice and changed meds hoping for a positive response. I guess that's all I can ask for...right?

I haven't made up my mind about finding a new pdoc, maybe I should. I am tired of dealing with them. I guess if I was swinging from a light-pole, dancing in the street naked or standing on the cliff of a tall building they would take interest. I'm sick, I'll admitt it, but I don't feel the need to do tricks or over exagerate my illness. It's as plain as the nose on my face....I need help.

I've been holding on as long as I could because of daughters big event this weekend. What am I to do with myself after? How do I get through the next few months ahead of me? How do I get through the anniversary of what put me in this state in the first place? How do I?