Just left the courthouse today feeling like a failure, but that is not new. In 2014 I quit paying on my bills. Found this law firm that does debt settlements to help you get out of debt. I was so in debt, so depressed, the cutting came back, all the old things in the past came back. I thought that I had everything in place in my mind, like different closets in my mind where each problem that I did not want to deal with safely in a place that it could not come out unless I opened the door. Does that make sense? It does to me. With about 45,000 in debt, which I brought things that I thought would make me happy but it did for maybe a few minutes. Then it was onto the next item, etc. so since 2014 I have managed to pay off 13 of my creditors or settled with them. Right now I have 3 creditors that have taken me to court, which I had to be in court today and this past Monday. 2 of them we have agreed on a settlement, the 3rd one is being a pain the the ***. But I have until Nov. 16th to try and figure out something. After I left the courthouse I felt very much like a failure which has always been how I see myself. I don't cry very much but today I did. It hurts so much inside and I really don't know what to do. I want so much to talk to my T but I am afraid she might talk about the partial program or the hospital. Right now I do not want to here that. I am not cutting or thinking about hurting myself. Just need to talk for a bit with her. I need to get to work anyways and I see her tomorrow so hopefully what I feel will get better in the next while. Just saying what I have has sort of helped.