I'm putting anger in quotes because I'm not sure how to do this.

Long ... RANT.. Below.

I need to get in touch with my Anger apparently, or at least I'm getting that message from my Therapist. Personally I think I'm pretty good about Anger when I really need it. I have solid moments and I vent it well.

My homework is to write about my anger towards my dead parent. There are good reasons to be upset this this parent. She did mistreat us on occasion.

Thing is, I know all this. I've thought all this through for years. And No, I'm not 'angry' about it. I'm - sad and disappointed. It feels like getting angry at a hungry person for eating with their hands. There's just some things this parent did not know how to do. She did it poorly.I can see right past 'anger' every time because I also know WHY she did what she did, even though it was wrong. It's more tragic than anything else. Yes. It hurt us but ... what's the ****ing point of all this now?

NOW I am sitting here feeling my heartrate go up and my body tense and I'm trying to stir up anger at this person and I'm actually more mad about the fact that — I have to dig this emotion up artificially. The result is not some cathartic realization —*I'm just angry about being angry now. I don't like creating anger just to 'work through' some ******** -I'm already completely aware of. Yes, now I am pissed off. What's the ****ing point?

Now I feel gross. I feel toxic. I feel physically ****ing ill. This feeling is not productive. I want to be angry at my therapist. I want to ask her, what's the ****ing point of this? I mean really. .. That parent is DEAD. There's nowhere for all of this toxic energy to go.

And so ... again — I'm just led to a place of despair and sadness. Which is where I began over all of this. What's the point of getting angry in between?

If I need to 'work' on my anger - I don't really see the point in choosing a dead relative that I've come to terms with a long time ago. Why not vent at someone whose living and still affecting my life. Why not practice voicing anger at real life situations — where it's needed and ****ing appropriate and productive.