Can I confess that I'm fighting urges right now? All I can think of is of someone beating me into unconsciousness. I want someone to hurt me, destroy me, torture me, kill me even. My heart's racing and I feel a bit ill.

Funny as these reactions are caused by finding proof that this exactly what I deserve. I mean, my problems aren't even problems, I have no right to ever feel bad anyway...

This probably doesn't make sense, but I'm trying to discharge these thoughts and make it go away. I'm such a pathetic piece of trash.