I just started college (I'm a freshman). I moved into my dorm room last Saturday, so it's been almost a week that I've been here. And it's been miserable almost every second of it.

Some of you are probably already familiar with my story but I'll give a very brief summary. I was really close to a therapist. I had a bad experience in residential treatment. I had to terminate with that therapist abruptly. Eight months later, we were reunited. I graduated high school and moved to another state. The plan was that my therapist would continue to "see" me via technology until I found a new therapist. I found someone, got to know her, only to have the plug pulled by my parents. I was abruptly terminated with her. I intended to leave for college with a support system in place. Instead, I have a therapist who I sort of terminated with that is still seeing me (T1), a therapist that I was supposed to transition to (T2) that is on hold until I can get a job and pay for it myself.

On top of all of this, I am so overwhelmed that I just want to cry all day long. And I've cried every day that I've been here except for one. It isn't just normal apprehension or homesickness. As some of you might also remember, I don't have a fantastic relationship with my parents. So I don't really miss them. But college itself is overwhelming. My school has about 35,000 students. The campus is like 300 acres in the middle of nowhere.

I feel like I'm watching a movie about college. Everyone is happy to be here, finding their friend groups, etc. The energy is overwhelming. I feel like I'm spending all of my energy trying to keep it together when all I want to do is sit in my room and cry. I've made a few friends but I don't feel comfortable enough to even scratch the surface of all of my personal issues. I'm trying to appear as though I'm perfectly fine but I feel like I'm being destroyed, emotionally.

I really considered taking a gap year after I graduated high school. I missed a full year of high school while I was being treated for my psychological stuff but I graduated on time with the rest of my classmates. In essence though, I'm a year behind emotionally and maturity wise. I don't even know how to make a friend. I feel like I've been thrown into a much larger version of high school and I don't know how to navigate it. I don't feel equipped to deal with this experience. I feel like I made a mistake deciding to go to college.

I think about going home and dropping out and I don't have any regret what so ever. I think that says something. I'm so unhappy that I can't imagine giving it a quarter, much less a full year. Would I be a failure if I decided that college wasn't the right thing for me?