Hey im not going to give out my real name so you can just call me Walter. Anxiety runs in my family. But ontop of that i have been through a trauma when i was 9 years old 12 years ago. Im not going to get into it. But i didnt have a dad growing up and at 9 years old i lost my mother unfortunately in the Rhode Island station nightclub fire accident. And then a year later my brother moved across country with his dad because we have different dads. So we only get to see eachother once a year for 2-4 weeks. But i took couple ptsd diagnose test online and i always score high on them. Its a year later i took the sanity test everything was good but my impulse tab was i think 71 it was in the red. And the ptsd tab of course was 83 and in the red. But in these 12 years i have been to counseling with a few different counselors and talk groups. Oh yeah i forgot to mention when my brother moved i was left behind with my grandparents. But they have tried everything. I cant talk about anything. I went to counseling a few months ago for about 2 months we didnt even touch the topic of my mom but i ended up leaving cause i didnt like how things were going. And in the past month ive been to the hospital because of all of the stuff thats going on inside of my head. The only thing on my mind for the past few years is my mothers death all day everyday and i seen the entire video online of what happened. And ive watched the entire video again this month after about a year or two I feel like i gotta cry every second of the day. I have anger outbursts but not yelling at people i just break my stuff sometimes. I have gone through atleast 5 to 6 cell phones in the past month in a half because ive destroyed them. Im pretty i mostly likely have ptsd but my doctor has not diagnosed me with it or consider i have it because its really hard to work with me. I refuse to talk, write, or draw about. My blood pressure is always sky high 150 plus. And i feel so tuned out of this world. And i pace a lot at times when i think about everything. And lately ive been mad tired even when i get more than enough sleep. And lately im randomly starting to literally trip over absolutely nothing sometimes walk down the street. And i been house hoping the past year between different family members houses. And sometimes lately the past few weeks i cant remember conversations sometimes or things ive said to people. It was last year for like a month or two thst just about every other day i was having dreams about fires all the times and what happened to my mother. I had one recently in the past month or two also.