Where do I start?

I had another hospital visit today, yesterday on the way back and today, I used bus. I hadn't done it for a long time and I just wanted to make sure that I found out how to pay and wanted to secure a nice seat fast, so even though passengers were getting off, I somehow pushed myself through in the wrong door of the bus yesterday, I didn't like my own behavior. and today, I forgot to push the button when I got off the bus, I got up, got myself ready to get off, the door wasn't opening and asked not so nicely to the driver, I just said, "I'm getting off here". The driver didn't take it very well,(I apologized soon after) then I noticed that I was naturally high again for a bit, it seems I'm still getting these moments every day, and this morning or yesterday morning, I almost caught myself heading for pessimistic direction, but all has been manageable lately.

Except one thing. Today's visit cost me almost nothing, bus fare and hospital charged me less than 2 bucks for changing wound dressing, but it didn't end there. I saw a different doc to the one from yesterday, and I fired all the questions to him, just in case stuff, what if, what if I needed a surgery, that kinda thing and he didn't have the exact answer that I was looking for. So at this point, it is unclear whether or not if my belly needs a surgery procedure, I'll probably have to take a cat scan again on Monday, this means extra cost. The doc didn't exactly say the possiblity of the surgery is low, he said the same thing as the first doctor, one day for a surgery and 3 days for observation and recovery that'd be what was required.

Now I think that I should've anticipated this, only yesterday, everything became peachy again since I was out of that horrible pain, I thought I was just heading straight to recovery without any additional cost. And today, I'm looking at the complete opposite, the possibility of the dreaded hospital stay, all alone for 4 days, of course I'll lose my income there, the total cost will go over a grand which will be a huge financial hit to my life, and this is only if I could take care of this financial assistance from local government, which I'll need to prepare real soon.

A little panic hear and there are okay, btw I noticed I was shaking my right leg all the time I couldn't stop it, before, during, and after the bus ride today, the hospital waiting room's tv was bugging me too, the latest news, murder! I know I can handle things fine without an incident, I don't even feel that these different environment are taking toll on me at all, but I know how I'm reacting, I have been like this all year this year. It feels like I have no reasoning, the same frontal robe pathways aren there any more.

I almost forgot what I really wanted to write. Doctors, especially surgeons, they like to cut ppl up, don't they? That is why they are suggesting this. Maybe, there's no need for me to go through all those crap, the financial struggles, loss of pay, and of course I can't afford a private room, that means,,,a pretty bad living situation is waiting for me to experience that. Can I decline the surgery option if it were put on the table? And this is a rather big hospital where ppl come to ask for second opinion, is everything my doctors telingl me true and good for me? They are doing this to me, for profit!

I'm just rambling without any proof. I'm just all alone and wanna minimize any damage that could cause to my little life, I thought about the timing of this unfortunate things that's happening to me right now too. Coincidence!! If it doesn't cost me much money, my hands, thier hands, anything could cut into my flesh.

Did I write about anesthesia procedure? I may have heard that they had to put me under, instead of local anethesia, I may have misheard, see? I'm quite nervous and pretty much in a panic mode. Got no one, no one to comfort me and there won't be any free wifi at the hospital, I really really don't wanna spend ton of money and stay there for 4 nights.

On Saturday and Sunday, 13hrs shift, my sleep been wonky past few days, did I quit smoking already? Hell no, I'm gonna take as long as I need to figure things out, I'll be away from this privacy, the thing that's like a necessity in my life, it is essential, I hope that people that see me aren't aware that I sometimes behave out side of social norm, I've got to stay away from ALL the people in real life to be myself, I don't wanna say or do what's not appropriate, or something that people might think I'm suspicious or whatever.

IT'S NOT A CANCER! I'll live without the procedure, I could be under the knife because I don't know any better, can they explain absolutely everything why this has to be done? Probably not, 'cos I wouldn't know what to ask. The right side of my belly button started to hurt, so why is it then that the left side is swollen right now? I'll take antibiotic pills for weeks and weeks, pls don't cut me up, pls don't make me stay at your hospital, I know it has 7 stories high, you don't have a ward/department for MI folks, and you never asked.

Seriously though, can't I just stay for one night for the surgery, then I go home, I'll visit them as much as they want? I don't even have a bag for an over night stay. Would they provide sleeping pills if I asked? They are just scaring me, aren't they? And they are probably assuming that I have much more comfortable income, the question was never raised, I've been living in quite lower percentile of a social ladder, and I'm cheap.

HAI? How about switching to new antibiotic pills instead of the one that doesn't get absorbed into my system, before jumping the gun?

In short, I trust no one, and I can't trust myself either...

I got 2 more days to think about this. Or not to think too much...