hi walter
i am sorry you have lived with such tragedy. it would certainly make sense that you had ptsd. it sounds like emdr would be really helpful for you. it is up to you though. you are not going to get better unless you cooperate with treatment providers, so you have to ask yourself how much to you want to improve your life or do you want to continue going down the same road you are currently on? i promise, a better life is certainly possible with proper treatment. you just have to want it bad enough.

welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome