I don't know what happens to me but it's the same pattern for all my life and I haven't gotten to go out of it.

I will try to explain it as good as possible. I'm just the opposite to Midas king. I don't change things in gold but in crap.
When things are going well for me, when I'm doing well in my recovery and people around me are proud of myself and I'm proud of myself,...I made something oppossite to what it's expected to do. As if I didn't care about others or myself. As if I like to be in the side of a sick person.
I guess I don't have to add here all the horrible things I think about myself in these moments for behaving this way. I'm even scared if putting it into words so I will avoid it.

This is something I realized now so never talked with my psychiatrist or my psychololist. I'm very confused just now.

I will put an examplo: guess that I meet a new friend and she wants to be my friend and has more contact with me and I was even the one who gave more at the beginning to get this friendship...well, I don't know why but I tend to withdrawl and put me appart as if I didn't want to mess up this friendship. Not sure about the deep reason. But, in the end it all result in me disappointing people.